And Why the Way You Do It Is Now Probably Playing Havoc With Your Sex Life!
The secret to sexual pleasure is at your fingertips. Literally. If you’re a female who has never masturbated to orgasm, I’m betting you’ve never had one.
If you’re male and old enough to read, you’re probably killing yourself laughing at the suggestion that you might need advice in this area.
While some women don’t start masturbating until their late teens or even late 20s, most men are quite practised at it by age 12 or 13. But even if you’ve brought yourself to orgasm a thousand times, don’t smile smugly and skip ahead just yet.
The way you masturbate could be causing problems in your sex life with your partner.
Because of our illogical but pervasive perceptions about masturbation as a child – that it’s ‘naughty’ – your first masturbatory experiences as a boy were probably furtive and riddled with guilt.
‘Playing with yourself’ was something you got over with as quickly as possible – fabulous when you’ve only got three minutes before your Mum comes knocking, not so fabulous when you’re with a partner later on.
If it still only takes you a few seconds or minutes to masturbate yourself to orgasm, you’re probably intimately familiar with the term ‘premature ejaculation’ (orgasming too soon, before you or your partner is satisfied).
In effect, from a very early age you’ve ‘programmed’ your penis to ejaculate quickly by ensuring orgasm follows mere minutes (or seconds) after direct stimulation.
As they get older, most men relax into masturbation.
They have more privacy, no longer feel guilty and start experimenting with different techniques and varying sensations. The more you ‘hold off’ your orgasm when masturbating yourself, the more practised you’ll be at delaying it during sex with someone else. If you’re still using the same technique you applied when you were 13, it’s time to try something new!
Pretend this is the first time you’ve pleasured yourself. Pick a time and a place where you won’t be interrupted, don’t set any time limits and try one, or all, of the techniques listed below.
The aim isn’t to see which technique brings you to orgasm the quickest but to experience (and get your penis used to) different sensations. Masturbation isn’t and shouldn’t be something you do simply to ease tension. It’s an experience that should be enjoyed for its own merits.
His three most popular techniques
Watching porn (if you can get away with it) is the most popular accompaniment for male masturbation.
Otherwise simply fantasising – forming visual images in your head – works a treat.
Unlike women, who often have two or three ‘favourite’ fantasies that guarantee them orgasm, yours vary depending on what’s happening in your life, even on that day. Once you’re in the right head space, you’ll probably use one of these three techniques.
MAKING A FIST
Making a loose fist and running it up and down the penis is the most common way men masturbate, varying the tightness of the grip, speed of the strokes and length of the movement to suit individual preferences. Like women, men discover what feels best through experimentation.
The fist technique also works when you add a male masturbatory sleeve or ‘stroker’ to the mix.
You’ll find mine here. Strokers intensify the feeling and are brilliant for using both solo and with a partner.
Position: Most of the men I interviewed said about the only prerequisite for where they masturbated was privacy. If your flatmate or girlfriend is away for the weekend, you’ll do it while lounging on the couch watching telly. Standing in front of a mirror is also a common turn-on. However the most usual place is lying on the bed, legs slightly apart.
Technique: Most of you reach for some sort of lubricant first, and you aren’t too fussy what you use – soap, shampoo, baby oil, handcream, Vaseline, your girlfriend’s super-expensive face cream (thanks, guys!) – whatever you can lay your hands on.
Personal lubricants like K-Y aren’t popular, though once used, men tend to stick with them. While the penis isn’t as sensitive to products as the vagina, a personal lubricant works more effectively.
The usual method is to make a loose fist, palm facing the side of the penis, starting at the top and moving down in a pumping motion which runs up and down the length of the penis.
Some men go right to the bottom of the shaft, others concentrate more on the head. Most men prefer to increase the tightness of the grip as their hands move over the head, others find their glans too sensitive and do the opposite. Rhythm is most important. No matter what stroke is used, keeping up a steady, constant rhythm is what builds sexual tension.
You might like to stroke, massage or hold your testicles with the other hand or rub the perineum, the area between your testicles and your anus. Some men also like to touch or pinch their nipples.
In the same way that women tend to concentrate on their clitoris, most men eventually focus on the frenulum.
The shaft is relatively insensitive and serves more to let your hand move up and down rhythmically. As your hand moves up and over the frenulum, try using a rolling action with your fingers and palm, manipulating the area firmly but not too vigorously.
You could also try squeezing the base of the shaft to increase sensitivity and maintain the erection.
As an alternative, use your fingers to gently stroke the penis and testicles until you achieve an erection, then use two or three fingers and your thumb instead of your whole fist to slide up and down. Or try holding a finger still over the frenulum and moving your other fingers and thumb over the front of the penis in a smaller movement.
Timing: Like women, how soon you reach orgasm depends on how horny you are and how vivid the fantasy, but it also depends on factors like whether you feel stressed or tired. Most men reach orgasm fairly quickly – usually within two to five minutes – and deliberately slow it down or stop and start if they want to delay the inevitable. Try reversing your hand movement as you feel orgasm approach. Bend your wrist towards you so your fist is twisted and your palm now faces the opposite side of your penis. This shifts the stimulation to different areas.
When they feel they’re about to come, most men increase their stroke so they’re moving up and down the shaft as rapidly as possible. Some grab hold of their testicles as they are ejaculating, claiming it makes the orgasm last longer; others grasp the bottom of the shaft for the same reason.
Once the orgasm starts, almost all men either slow down dramatically or stop stimulation completely. This is because the penis, particularly the head, is incredibly sensitive just after ejaculation (something girlfriends often don’t understand because lots of women like to be stimulated right through to the last spasm of their orgasm).
What do you do with the little pile of semen you’ve created? Most men either ejaculate straight into a towel or over their bodies, wiping it off with a tissue afterward.
USING A PILLOW
Rubbing against stockings or something silky is often how young boys first discover they can make themselves orgasm. While the first technique is certainly more popular, particularly if you’re dying for it, many men said they rubbed against a pillow when they were in a more mellow, sensual mood.
Position: Most men either stand or kneel with a pillow, folded over, in front of them. They then rub the penis in the fold and simulate intercourse. Others stand, pla