• "How can I have sex at Christmas with a house full of relatives?"


    I'm going to have a house full of relatives this Christmas. How on earth are we going to have sex without anyone hearing or knowing?


    Christmas is all about excess - too much food and too much to drink - both, happily, offer the perfect excuse for post-lunch kips or 'quiet time'.

    One of you rubs their stomach, complains of feeling full and a little tipsy, then, giving a convincing little stumble on the stairs, heads up to the bedroom for a quick nap.

    Your partner then yawns and says "That's not a bad idea. Why don't we all have some quiet time? I think I might go and read my book for a bit".

    Once you're safely behind closed doors, lock yourselves in and have silent sex...

    Neither of you are allowed to make so much as a peep, no matter what your partner does to you. Make it naughtier by putting your hands over each other's mouths during crucial moments.

    Take advantage of every opportunity to get the relatives out the door while you both stay inside: send them down to the shops for crucial cooking ingredients while you indulge in a quickie.

    Have salacious snogs in the kitchen while they're innocently watching telly in the lounge.

    One final word of warning: put all your naughty things (vibrators, erotic films or books) in a lockable drawer if children are also coming to stay.

    You thought Uncle Harry's party tricks were embarrassing, try holding your head up after little Emma toddles in with one of your fluffy handcuff sets clutched in her plump little hand...

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