"How can I revive my husband's sex drive since the birth of our baby?"
Ever since the birth of our baby two years ago, my husband has gone off sex. We've been together for years and had an amazing sex life before this.
In the beginning, I thought he was avoiding sex because he thought I wasn't interested but now it's clear all he wants to do is cuddle.
I instigate it regularly and suggest doing new things but no joy. He's loving but the lust is gone. What's going on?
While it's normal for both parents to lose interest in sex temporarily after the birth (how can something so small be so disruptive?), it's not good news if things haven't got remotely back to normal three years on.
The good news is you have two big positives going for you: you had a fantastic sex life once (much easier to resurrect than to create what's never been there) and he's still loving (which usually means he still loves you).
Because you so confidently trace his loss of libido to the birth of your child, I'm assuming there is a definite link. Did he watch the birth? Many men find it one of life's greatest moments; others find it one of the most distressing.
The vagina turns from something which gave both of you pleasure to a place which gave you great pain. You changed into 'Mummy' in more ways than one: he was so traumatised, he stopped seeing you as a sexual creature.
Seeing a sexy go-getting girlfriend, all glammed up for work, morph into a harassed Mum can add to it. You look less 'up for it' and he may feel hassling you for sex will only add to your busy schedule, rather than provide a welcome release from it.
How's he coping with the added responsibility? If he's working longer, harder and feeling the stress of supporting a family, that can also affect his libido. It might also be – and sorry about this – that he doesn't enjoy intercourse as much as before.
As I'm sure you know, birth also alters the elasticity of the vaginal muscles. Make sure sex is physically as pleasurable for both of you by doing kegel exercises (clench, hold, and release your pelvic floor muscles 50 times a day).
At the end of the day though, as you well know, only a calm but purposeful discussion will solve this. Tell him he might not be taking the lack of sex seriously but you are, because you love him and you're not willing to let go of something which gave both of you so much pleasure.
If that chat doesn't make a difference, or he refuses to have one, get yourself off for a few sessions with a good sex therapist.