"My boyfriend has a very low sex drive. What can I do to help him?"
I've been with my boyfriend for two years. He's never had a high sex drive but it's dropped significantly over the past year and seems to be dipping even further. We're having sex about twice a month.
Whenever I instigate sex, he rejects me so we only have sex when he's interested, which often leaves me feeling unsatisfied and resentful.
I've talked to him about it but he won't open up when I ask why he's lost his sex drive. He just says he doesn't know why.
The myth says men are always ready for and want sex. And if you're talking about a 17-year-old who's just landed his first girlfriend, you're quite right. It's likely he will walk, talk, daydream and want to have sex every waking second (and when he's asleep as well).
But once a man hits his mid-20s (and often before), other parts of his life start to become equally as important and all that energy and focus is diverted elsewhere. Real life dampens a lot of men's sex drives more efficiently than a bucket of water poured over a solitary lit match.
Work, stress, pressure, bills, arguments – they all stop him (and you!) feeling like sex, all day, every day. He's not like your vibrator – you can't just plug him in and expect him to perform on cue. There is a man attached to that penis!
There are also other things that may have dampened his enthusiasm. The most likely reason is his natural libido level has kicked in. You say his desire was never as high as yours anyway.
Now you've been together a while and the newness has worn off, he's settled into his natural desire cycle – and too embarrassed to admit to you he's happy with sex twice a month. The more you instigate sex, the more pressure he feels to want it more – which, of course, makes him feel like it less.
But what I find even more disturbing than his refusal to talk with you honestly is his reluctance to satisfy you on other occasions using his hands or tongue and his refusal to have sex unless he fancies it. It's selfish, disrespectful and extremely unattractive.
You could try removing the pressure for sex entirely and seeing if that raises his libido. Or you could try finding yourself a boyfriend who treats you properly.