• "Is it OK for women to suggest doing 'kinky' things in bed? My friends say that's the 'man's job'."


    Is it OK for women to suggest doing 'kinky' things in bed? I always thought it was the man's job to do this but my boyfriend never comes up with anything new.

    I told my best friend I was going to suggest a tie-up game and she was horrified, saying that's the 'man's job'.


    Some women get very nervous suggesting saucy stuff because when they do, some men judge them. I suspect this may have happened to your friend, hence her horror at you being so 'forward'. Despite so called sexual equality, there's still a huge chasm between what men are supposed to do/like/get up to and what women are supposed to enjoy.

    The same way we're judged by our number of partners, we're also unfairly judged by some men if we like 'dirty' sex. Ask most women what their favourite sexual fantasy is and they'll offer up something like "On a plane". Yeah right. I know what women's sex fantasies are because I research them for books and it ain't the old 'making love on the beach to a glorious sunset' which tops the list.

    Women's fantasies are just as ribald, outrageous and kinky than most men's. It's just that we know he'd be shocked if he heard them, so we keep our mouths shut. (If you don't believe me, pick up any of Nancy Friday's fantasy books Women On Top or My Secret Garden and read one out to your mother.)

    Point is, if you know you won't be judged no matter what you suggest, you'll be far more likely to suggest doing something interesting in bed. Hopefully your partner falls into this category. I definitely think you should suggest some 'tie-up'. Just be aware of all the above when you do it.

    Tracey Cox Dare - What Happens When Fantasies Come True

    Comments (2)

    • Becks: June 18, 2009 11:32

      I think it is fabulous for women to suggest 'kinky' things, thing is as I have found out with previous partners men can be devilishly hypocritical, they may want 'oral' but they don't necessarily want to know we enjoy it, its a kind aof 'this person who likes dirty things has met my mother' wierd 'women who like sex are whores' attitude.

      Everyone i've been with till now has had some form of problem like this to one degree or another; until now, now I've found a partner who enjoys fantasies, hearing fantasies (real ones) and doesn't judge even a little bit. He has also been in unequal relationships where his fantasies were denigrated as 'perverted' 'disgusting' etc so he too was nervy of sharing at first, now we both share regularly and find it titliating, we also enact some of them which is fabulous.

      So i'd say be aware of the 'judging' bit that can happen but go for it who knows you might just find that you and your partner were int he same place me and my partner were, both to 'scared' to be the first to share 'kinky' fantasies.

      good luck

    • lisa donaldson: June 27, 2009 17:08
      Women should say more kinky things in the bedroom, makes men get all hot and steamy, especially if you have a good relationship and you can trust your parent to the max.
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