• "My boyfriend is paranoid over the fact he can't make me come. I don't mind - is it so important?"

    Question:

    I'm very much an amateur when it comes to sex because I've had to overcome a lot of childhood conditioning that left me with an extremely negative attitude towards sex and low desire. I am now at the point where I'm enjoying sex but I haven't yet had an orgasm.

    I feel this is normal and at this point I should be simply enjoying what I'm feeling and learning to relax completely and let go. My boyfriend, however, is getting completely paranoid over the fact he can't make me come.

    I'm starting to feel like orgasms are the sole aim of sex! It's all everyone ever seems to talk about! Are they really so important?


    Answer:

    We do live in an orgasm-obsessed society and one of the most common pieces of advice I give people is to move away from making sex orgasm-focused and enjoy the journey as much as the destination.

    It takes the pressure off both of you and means you fully appreciate all the sensations you're experiencing rather than constantly trying to get to the finish line.

    You are not only on the right track with your thinking, you are absolutely spot on! I'm really proud of you for confronting all those negative messages from your past and getting to this point. It isn't easy and you've achieved an awful lot just to get this far. An orgasm will happen for you, but you need time and pressure-free sex in order for it to happen.

    Have you told your boyfriend that you're battling past demons? If he understands why, he may stop pressuring you. Even if you don't want to confess all, explain to him that if he really wants to make you orgasm, the way to do it is to continue to let you take things at your own pace.

    Explain that you don't need an orgasm to be thoroughly enjoying sex with him and build his sexual self-confidence by giving him lots of compliments on his technique and how he makes you feel.

    If he won't drop it and it's interfering with your progress, you might want to consider dropping him. It would be such a shame for you to come this far, then be pipped at the post by a boyfriend who simply didn't have the patience to wait.

    Heat up your sex life

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