• "I still love my boyfriend deeply but I've gone from enjoying sex to dreading it. What's wrong?"


    I'm 21 and have been with my boyfriend for three years. But while I still love him deeply, I've gone from enjoying sex to dreading it. He doesn't pressure me but when we have it, I don't enjoy it.

    Why am I feeling like this? We're both confused. Should I end it?


    It could be that your relationship has moved from love to friendship but I suspect all that's happened is you've moved out of the stage when all you needed to become aroused was the thought of sex.

    Three years in, you need to work to keep yourselves interested by introducing variety and pushing yourselves out of the routine you've no doubt settled into. Buy a few good sex books and choose some things you'd both like to try. Try having sex in different places in the house and location. Try out some new sex toys.

    In other words, give your sex life a bit of a shake up. Give it three months and see if things improve. If they don't, it could be you're still in love with him but it's platonic not romantic.

    Supercharge your sex life

    Comments (5)

    • HCR: July 30, 2009 16:23
      Or maybe she has matured and at 21 she has finally settled into her sexual groove? At 21 you have all kinds of new pressures and responsibilities - your house, learning how to cope with the work/family balance and somehow in all of this you also need to find time to have sex...!!

      It is completely normal for couples to fall into a kind of "rut" as determined by societies standards of sex because we just can't be at it all the time. The "average" is apparently 2-3 times a week but sometimes we're lucky to have that much in between jobs, hobbies, gym sessions, cooking meals and doing the house work!

      I fear there is something deeper going on here. You say you don't enjoy sex - have you talked to your boyfriend about it? Are changes something which he is happy to take on board? If he is happy to adjust to new things you like then fantastic! If he is not then unfortunately you may be better off with somebody else if he is not meeting your needs anymore.

      We all go through dry spells though so try not to let this stress you out too much. Feeling stressed about sex doesn't lead to more sex...!! :) Relax, buy some toys if you want and take it slow.

      One thing I do suggest is booking a weekend away somewhere relaxing. There is nothing like a new location to get the juices flowing again! :)

    • Piddy: July 31, 2009 19:50
      I am in a similar position. My wife and I couldn't kepe our hands off each other when we first started dating.

      In the past few years, things have fizzled out sexually. We have probably had sex twice this year. I have tried to talk to her about the problem but she usually says she is too tired and we need to find more time for it.

      I am highly sexed and am extremely sexually frustrated. We both love each other very much but I feel we now live together like brother and sister.

      I have given up with sex really, having to satisfy myself with porn. I will never stray but I am in a very unhappy place sexually.

      We went on holiday recently and she was no different.

      When we do have sex, she cannot climax by penetration, so I make her orgasm first with my fingers. I then enter her and climax - she kind of just lays there or bends over and is a passenger. No real engagement. What I wouldn't give for her to thrust or scream in ecstacy when I enter her.

    • Pixel: August 01, 2009 20:31
      Piddy i would try it the other way around, after your wife has climaxed shes probably less interesed in futher sex acts. Instead try penetration first then finish her off! She might be more engaged that way. Also if she cannot climax during penetration then oral sex is always a winner! Just some things, its hard to keep things going. good luck.
    • Hubby: August 02, 2009 19:05
      End it.

      Half the problem with most marriages (e.g Piddy), is that the woman fakes wanting sex, and you end up wih one hihgly sexed husband, and low sexed wife. Better to find out before hand!

      Or is Piddies expereices a typical, I'm in the same situation as him, our sex life went from the like bunnies stage to the - cant be asked. And like most men I have resolved to porn. Its little wonder that many men stray!
      I've spend 100's of ££ on sex toys, lingerie and nights out to no avail. A few from here!
      She does it now because she has to, which isnt a great feeling!

    • becca: August 02, 2009 19:51
      I'm not sure if i can offer anything of use here as i'm somewhat of a sexpot, but my partner came out of a relationship not unlike piddy and hubby's, he is a very highly sexed person (lucky me :D ) and being in a relationship with someone who had grown so far away from him in terms of sex, food, life goals, enjoyment of life, was making him very ill, depression etc, although it was hard for him to leave, especially as they have children together, emotionally for him and the childrne it is working out much better, he is in a relationship where he can be himself in all areas of life, of which sex is just one, and as such he is happier with the children, more open, happier at work ... and so on, even his ex is beggining to be happier of sorts, so maybe if nothing is working, keeping at it whilst everyone is unhappy is just damaging to all cocnerned.

      to the original query, i honestly don't know, but alot of people, men and women, find no enjoyment in sex, or their enjoyment in sex is tied into their emotions and 'compatability' so if a relationship is no longer 'working' then dreading sex is natural -- although i do adore sex i know of a couple of relationships where i dreaded it also, ended the realtionships, usually amicably, and still love sex just not with that person.

      it might be that if this dread of sex is more general than 'dread sex with 'X' person' you have soemmeasure of asexuality, but honestly you're young so i'd experiment a bit first and you'll find your answers soon enough :) good luck.


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