• "My partner and I lack confidence in bed. What can we do to feel more comfortable?"

    Question:

    My partner and I lack confidence in bed, partly due to previous relationships. One problem is that we are both givers and have never learnt to receive without feeling uncomfortable.

    While sex is good we second guess or feel uncomfortable which causes interruptions so sex doesn't flow smoothly. We are both very much in love and the best of friends. We make each other feel good.

    But when these interruptions happen it knocks our confidence more, which then causes more problems.

    How do we break the cycle? We want to learn how to receive without feeling selfish and to be more comfortable.


    Answer:

    I’m not entirely sure what you mean by ‘interruptions’? Do you mean awkward pauses when something doesn’t quite work out? What gave you the impression that sex always goes smoothly or should go smoothly?

    Sex isn’t a performance. It’s the merging of two very human bodies for pleasure. Sometimes this happens seamlessly but very often there are ‘glitches’ and bumps and repositioning of limbs and noses and things not quite going to plan.

    It’s normal, so relax a little and don’t expect so much of yourselves. As for both of you both being ‘givers’ rather than takers, you’re right it does reflect a lack of confidence. Lying back and taking while your partner works to give you pleasure is indeed difficult for some people.

    But it’s certainly not ‘selfish’. For starters, plenty of people get a great deal of pleasure from giving pleasure and find it a massive turn-on. It’s not just you getting something, they’re getting something from it as well.

    Make a pact to make every second sex session a ‘take turns’ one. This means you each take turns to be the one in control and the one receiving pleasure. It’s up to you what you do in the session but it could involve things like giving and receiving a massage or oral sex.

    When it’s your turn to ‘take’ force yourself to focus on the sensation of what you’re feeling rather than think about how to repay them. With the rules clearly spelt out, you can relax simply because you have to relax! It’s your ‘turn’.

    You also know you’ll be repaying the favour when it’s their turn, so will hopefully feel less guilty.

    Supercharge your sex life

    Comments (1)

    • Will: April 13, 2010 18:38
      try the board game "Monogamy" available right here on LH, it build you in slow, you both get a turn to be the "Giver" and the idea that the acts are part of a game may help you not feel so 'guilty' when you're the taker'.
    Add a comment
    1. Yes, please! Email me when there are more comments after mine
    2. We need to ask you a question to prove you're a human because evil spam computers keep abusing our form!