"After a long marriage, I'm dating a new woman but nervous about having sex. Help!"
I have been out of the dating scene for a very long time because I was married for 12 years. After a painful divorce and some therapy, I finally got out there and have now met a really nice woman.
Thing is, it’s getting close to crunch time of sleeping together for the first time. I’m incredibly nervous and want to make it super-special but don’t really know how.
Do you have any tips?
First-time sex with a new lover, after years with an old one, is heart-thumping stuff. Part of you can’t wait to give it a whirl (no prizes for guessing which part) but the thinking bits would stay happily celibate for another 100 years to avoid any embarrassment.
It’s normal to feel as nervous as a virgin. In a sense, it is like losing your virginity all over again. Admit you’re nervous. Say “I haven’t had sex with anyone but my wife for years. I feel like a teenager.” It’ll ease the tension for both of you.
Stick to the basics first time. Kiss, have some foreplay, do the deed. Get it over with, let most of your anxieties evaporate, then you can concentrate on getting to know each other properly. I know you want the very first time to be special but, believe me, this isn’t the time for sexual circus tricks!
If it’s awful, admit it and laugh. Say "That was such a disaster because we were so nervous. But now it’s out the way we can relax and really explore each other sexually”. It’s not a big deal if she didn’t lubricate or orgasm or if you couldn’t get an erection, lost it or came too quickly.
It doesn’t mean you’re not compatible in bed. It doesn’t mean you should have stuck it out with your wife. It just means you don’t know each other’s bodies, desires or needs yet. The first time can be glorious for some couples but a lot don’t find their mojo until about two weeks in.