• "After my partner cheated on me we worked things out but now he won't have sex with me. Help!"

    Question:

    Last year I found my partner in bed with another woman. After much soul searching we agreed to work our relationship out. It’s been a difficult 18 months but I feel like we have come through it.

    We are very happy together, have fun, respect each other and everything would be perfect except for one thing - my partner now doesn’t want to have sex with me. We haven’t had sex for four months.

    I have dressed up, given him compliments, tried to seduce him, but nothing. He says there isn’t a problem but still he isn’t interested. Consequently I feel very unattractive and am thinking of leaving the relationship.

    It feels like it was me who cheated and me who has tried to work things out. It was my idea to work through things initially.


    Answer:

    I don’t blame you for feeling upset at what’s happened since your partner got caught red-handed! It’s hard enough trying to repair a relationship after an affair - only one-third of all relationships do recover - but even more galling if it’s you that’s doing all the fixing when he was the one who was in the wrong.

    Him avoiding sex for four months is certainly a danger sign all isn’t well, as is his refusal to give you a reason why he isn’t interested.

    It could mean he is getting it elsewhere again, it could mean he loves you but doesn’t find you sexually attractive anymore. Or he may simply be stressed, tired or suffering a libido dip for other reasons.

    What is most telling is his refusal to be honest about not wanting to have sex with you. I always think a relationship only has a chance of recovering after betrayal if the person who cheated is more upset about what they did, than the person they cheated on.

    They need to feel genuinely upset and horrified at the pain they caused their partner and be willing to do whatever it takes to win back their trust. It doesn’t sound like this is happening here at all.

    Instead you are doing all the fixing and putting all the effort into making it work. Sit him down and tell him you need to have a serious talk about the future. Ask him outright again why he’s not interested in sex.

    Ask him if he really wants to be with you or if he’s staying because he feels he should, rather than wants to. Tell him you feel you’ve been doing all the fixing and healing and it’s time for him to be honest with you and pick up the ball if he wants you two to continue.

    If you aren’t feeling the love during this discussion or the situation doesn’t improve, I would end the relationship.

    It’s one thing fighting to keep someone you love, quite another feeling your self-esteem slide through the floorboards if you feel he’s not living up to his end of the bargain.

    Your self-esteem has taken enough of a battering through all this. Only continue with him if he absolutely convinces you his life would not be worth living without you in it.

    Fix your love life fast

    Comments (2)

    • fos: June 25, 2010 08:21
      He's not attracted to you anymore, why are you trying to force something which isn't there?

      Actions speak louder than words - he was caught in bed with another woman. i.e. he didn't want to be in bed with you anymore.

      Just grow some self-esteem and get out of the relationship, it's clearly not going anywhere because he doesn't want it to.

    • lesley: July 04, 2010 09:12
      Have had it happen to me, i couldnt forgive or trust him again. A woman can be just as bad though, such as the one who slept with my husband. Hope you're ok and make the right decision... Difficult.
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