"Since I gave birth I've gone up three dress sizes and don't want sex. What can I do?"
I used to have an amazing relationship with my partner who I have been with since I was 16. We now have a gorgeous daughter (four months old) but sex is rubbish since I gave birth. I just don’t want sex at all with anyone, not just him.
Before I gave birth, I was up for it 4-5 times a week. I’m also not sure that I’m in love with my husband or fancy him anymore either. I know I love and care for him but it feels more like he’s my best friend. He tells me he loves me everyday and says he still finds me attractive.
But I hate my body now that I’ve gone up three dress sizes. I’m so confused and don’t want to be unhappy since this is a time when I should be enjoying my new baby.
OK, take a deep breath, calm down and listen carefully: this is all normal. New babies are so adorable, your heart feels like it’s being squeezed every time you look at them. But they do wreak havoc on your body, your life, your relationship and your emotions.
You gave birth four months ago, your hormones are still all over the place. Which means you can’t really trust how you feel right now. Lots of new mums are barely coping at this point, feeling overwhelmed by the drastic change in their lifestyle, worrying about whether they’re doing everything ‘right’ and generally stressed to the max from sleep deprivation.
Pregnancy and birth change your body shape and despite the example set by celebrities – who manage to shed baby weight in a matter of weeks thanks to nannies, personal trainers, nutritionalists and ridiculously low-cal diets - the average woman takes about a year, if not more, to return to her previous weight.
You’ve gone up three dress sizes? So what! You’ve just had a baby who you love unconditionally. The weight will fall off with time and I strongly suspect you will fall back in love with your husband once things settle down and your hormones return to normal.
It’s also entirely normal for your sex drive to plummet after the birth of a baby. It doesn’t mean it’s gone forever, just that you have different priorities for a little while. In short, stop panicking, accept that you’ll feel a little weird for a little while and talk to your partner about how you’re feeling.
Tell him you’re not feeling sexy because you’ve put on weight but that you love him and are sure you will feel sexual in a little while. Then trust that you will. I believe not feeling like sex is what’s confusing your feelings for your partner.
You think if you don’t fancy him or want to have sex with him, maybe he’s just a friend. I think you’d probably feel like this no matter who you were married to at this point. If you still think you’re with a man who is more best friend than husband in a year or so, deal with it then.
Four months in is confusing for lots of women so don’t do anything drastic now. Hang in there and try not to worry too much. I have complete faith you will come out the other side soon and life will be lovely again!