"I was raped two years ago and it's affecting my relationship with my boyfriend. What can we do?"
I've been with my boyfriend for 18-months but have yet to have an orgasm during sex and haven’t with anyone else either.
I have a traumatic sexual past. I was raped when I was 17. Although that was two years ago, it's really getting to me that it's affecting my relationship now.
My boyfriend is not pushy at all and is always very understanding, but I can't help but think I’m disappointing him. What should I do?
You don’t say if you ever had counselling for the rape at the time but if you didn’t, I’d strongly recommend you contact a rape crisis centre near you (find one through rapecrisis.org.uk) and get some now.
It’s never too late and they will help you talk through the feelings of resentment and frustration you’re feeling now. First up, when you say you don’t have an orgasm during sex, do you mean intercourse?
Because most women don’t orgasm purely through penetration – only 20-30% of women orgasm during intercourse without any extra clitoral stimulation. Most women orgasm through oral sex or with him using his fingers, when with their partner. Are you able to orgasm through masturbation, either using your fingers or a vibrator?
Once you’ve had some counselling and feel emotionally ready, I would suggest you start experimenting with a vibrator until you can orgasm easily on your own. Then experiment using a more couple friendly method, using your fingers.
Once you’ve mastered that, you can teach him how to do it. If that works, you can work towards having one during intercourse while he uses his fingers on your clitoris at the same time.
All this is the easy stuff, it’s getting your head in the right place that’s most important and I really think time with an experienced and sympathetic counsellor will make all the difference.
Your boyfriend loves you and wants you to be happy. So long as you don’t shut him out and let him know how you’re thinking and feeling, I’m sure he understands. Be kind to yourself.
It’s entirely normal to still feel traumatised by a rape that happened two years ago – even one that happened 10 years ago - and to feel resentful and angry at the person who did this to you. You can beat this but I would suggest you get some professional help to speed things along and make the process easier on you.