• "Is there any harm in cheating if my partner never finds out?"

    Question:

    I am about to go on a holiday with my girlfriends who are all married.

    We’ve all been with our partners for ages and started talking about what would happen if any of us did anything naughty out there (ie had a one-night-stand) and decided if we adopted the male motto of ‘What happens on tour, stays on tour’ what would be the harm. What do you think?


    Answer:

    What you’re really asking me is if cheating is damaging to a relationship if there’s no-one around to catch you and it’s unlikely you’ll get caught. If you met them on holiday, you will never see them again and if you had safe sex then surely it means nothing?

    Does cheating really matter in that case? It depends totally on how much you trust your girlfriends (you’d be surprised how many couples go back to tell their partner if someone else cheats - it’s irresistible gossip-wise) and on your personality.

    If you genuinely see nothing wrong with what you did and your motivation was solely opportunity, how could it possibly harm your relationship? This is how some people justify it to themselves. Your partner is none the wiser and your behaviour toward them hasn’t altered. There’s just one problem with the perfect infidelity crime: very few people truly believe there’s nothing wrong with cheating. Even the smoothest, slickest philanderer, fond of boasting of their conquests, is aware they’re doing something ‘wrong’. And this is where it all unravels.

    Knowing we’ve done something which would hurt our partner, subtly alters our perception of them. You got away with something, you’re one up on them. This makes them appear either naïve and too trusting or vulnerable and hopelessly helpless.

    Good relationships are based on mutual admiration and respect, not pitying your partner or secretly thinking they’re stupid. If I was you, I’d all go and have a little flirt but draw the line at taking it past that.

    The Sex Doctor - Fix your love life fast!

    Comments (36)

    • Honeybee: August 14, 2010 23:19
      I think it depends on if you could live with it. I know people who have cheated on their partners it such a situation and felt awful afterwards and ended up confessing anyway.
    • Emma: August 15, 2010 15:11
      YES DONT DO IT!!
    • Mark: August 15, 2010 15:12
      sooooo wrong!!!
    • Michelle: August 15, 2010 15:12
      shouldnt do it at all if you want to cheat on your partner then you shouldnt be with them
    • Leah: August 15, 2010 15:12
      It will hurt you more KNOWING what you have done !!!

      Why risk that kind of pain ???????????

    • Andy: August 15, 2010 15:12
      Dont do it.how would u feel if he did it to you?
    • Lynette: August 15, 2010 15:13
      eeek dont do it, if you want to be with someone else, finish with who youre with first.

      If you are having an affair for the attention, you need to ask yourself what is missing from your relationship, sit down and have a chat with your curent partner :)

    • Tiffany: August 15, 2010 15:13
      the thing is even if he doesn't know you will and you have to live with the guilt. If you are thinking of doing it you obviously aren't happy and you need to walk away before someone gets hurt
    • Julie: August 15, 2010 15:13
      been there, done that, very damaging, wouldn't recommend it!
    • Phil: August 15, 2010 15:14
      Why be in a relationship if sleeping around is important to you?
    • Simon: August 15, 2010 15:14
      Its not about them finding out. its about the MASSIVE betrayal. cheating is the most selfish and disrespectful thing you can do to your partner. if you are considering it you deserve to lose everything.
    • Kim: August 15, 2010 15:15
      believe me im going through a divorce coz my ex couldnt keep it in his pants its the biggest betrayel ever and soul and life destroying especially if there r kids involved which there r in my case
    • Kirsty: August 15, 2010 15:15
      yeh til you've got to explain why you've got the clap or your pregnant by another man (happened to the lass my hubby ran off with when she cheated on him) god my life belongs on jermery kyle ha ha
    • Nick: August 15, 2010 15:15
      If u have any respect or true feelings for them then u wouldn't even need to ask this question !!!
    • Louise: August 15, 2010 15:16
      Oh, can I have my cake and eat it? If you can't respect a person enough to be honest and faithful then don't waste their life by being with you, because they can do better. I also had a male friend had his heart ripped out when his wife was pregnant by another man - and no she wasn't happy either
    • Kerry: August 15, 2010 15:16
      That is super disrespectful.
    • Nessa: August 15, 2010 15:16
      Really the question you have to be asking here is do you trust your partner. If you are hiding such a matter away like this from your other half I feel there is more than just cheating going on here? Though I feel your question title gives a different outlook to your actual question; as the title suggests you are going to cheat, whereas the body of the subject suggests that it might happen without meaning behind it.
      Sadly relationships are no longer black and white, where one singular action makes all that both of you have equally worked for collapse just like a game of dominos. There are many factors, like rather than feeling a little threatened in what reaction may occur from such an encounter why not ask your other half and find out where they stand on this subject, they might be a little more forgiving than you think.
      Really this depends on how strong your relationship is.
    • Will: August 15, 2010 15:16
      Morality is how we behave when no one is looking...
    • Cait: August 15, 2010 15:17
      If you wanna cheat your relationship is already over and you should already be leaving. cheating is wrong on every level
    • Alan: August 15, 2010 15:17
      I agree Cait dont cheat on your partner. you woulnd'nt want them cheating on you and how would you feel if that was happaning. its just wrong
    • BJ: August 15, 2010 15:17
      how would u feel deep inside if ur partner done it to you??...
      cheating is wrong for so many reasons its no real....
      one lesson i learned from an early age is everything catches up with u eventually!!!
    • Katharine: August 15, 2010 15:18
      Loads of harm. Us women are intuitive creatures and we can sniff sense infidelity a mile off. I would rather have a faithful but honest Partner. Fidelity and Faithfulness is best, you can always break up preferably nicely. Think the horribly worst but work for the best.

    • H4WEYE: August 15, 2010 21:03
      GO FOR IT ...TO MANY PEOPLE CONFUSE SEX WITH LOVE AND IT IS AN UNDENIABLE ANIMALISTIC INTENTION , AS THE MUSKETEERS SAID ALL FOR ONE AND FUCK THE REST.
    • Tigerlilies: August 20, 2010 17:59
      Bang on the money here, Tracey. So few articles on cheating address the fact that once you cheat on someone, your perception of your partner and the respect that you have for them, alters.
    • Sally: August 20, 2010 19:29
      I cheated on my husband of 27 years just once, when I was depressed and feeling neglected by him, sexually and emotionally. I feel so ashamed.
    • sexylesley: August 26, 2010 19:19
      No too dangerous and very had offers of casual sex/dates all through my holidays plenty of offers and i'm neither old or young but would have worried about picking something up even with a condom. Emotionally unsettling too from a female point of view and would have felt used and dirty.
    • elw: October 08, 2013 00:51
      Don't do it please.
      You would confess.
    • Marie: April 06, 2014 01:11
      you obviously know its wrong or wouldn't be asking! wanna cheat then shouldn't b together anyway. don't be whore
    • Anonymous: March 15, 2015 15:21
      Cheaters, whether male or female, young or old, are simply being selfish, creedy, and dishonest. Those are all negative traits. If you cheat on someone and you don't have the courage to tell them and accept responsibility, then your partner deserves MUCH better than you. It doesn't matter if you are sad or just desperate for intimacy, control yourself and show some respect to your partner. If your relationship isn't good, talk to your partner - tell them what's bothering you and calmly try to figure things out. Work on things patently. If theres no trust, honesty and loyalty from BOTH partners, then the relationship is not healthy (and its not setting a good example to kids either). If you can't fix a relationship, its better to leave. Leave if you want to sleep with someone else. Don't disrespect your partner (even if you don't love them).
    • D: June 15, 2015 00:58
      Tracy,

      I've been with my partner for over 3 years now, sex was great and very regular to start with. However last year or so has been non existent, i've tried many things such spontaneous, romantic gestures, subtle hints and non subtle. even mentioning the word it appears like it's taboo. It is frustrating as you can imagine I've been patient and have got used to not having anything in that nature. Is it wrong to want it regularly ? have even turned down offers from other women so have been faithful? any suggestions

    • D: June 20, 2015 23:39
      Dear Tracey

      I've been with my partner for over 3 years now, sex was great and very regular to start with. However last year or so has been non existent, i've tried many things such spontaneous, romantic gestures, subtle hints and non subtle. even mentioning the word it appears like it's taboo. It is frustrating as you can imagine I've been patient and have got used to not having anything in that nature. Is it wrong to want it regularly ? have even turned down offers from other women so have been faithful? any suggestions

    • dave: July 06, 2015 17:23
      Dear Tracey
      I've been with my partner for over 3 years now, sex was great and very regular to start with. However last year or so has been non existent, i've tried many things such spontaneous, romantic gestures, subtle hints and non subtle. even mentioning the word it appears like it's taboo. It is frustrating as you can imagine I've been patient and have got used to not having anything in that nature. Is it wrong to want it regularly ? have even turned down offers from other women so have been faithful? any suggestions x
    • ladybarb: September 02, 2015 05:14
      Please do not do it. It will work on your conscious. Truly it will don't do it
    • dave: September 02, 2015 16:57
      Ladybarb,

      Haven't given into numerous advances from female friends, even offers of three sums. guess temptation will always be there in life won't it? have you experienced it yourself

    • James: September 17, 2015 07:58
      Every one cheats if they can get away with it. The only proviso is some people for religious reasons or because they are ugly and don't get the opportunity don't cheat, but they tend to be the ones saying don't do it. Truth is, good looking men and women cheat. The opportunity presents itself enough times, it is only a matter of timing. Looking around, I don't see a good looking couple that has been married for a while that wouldn't cheat. It is almost hardwired into human nature.
    • Mary: December 14, 2015 08:56
      Tracey if right, it will eat you alive and kill your marriage.
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