"My wife's bisexuality has saved our marriage but has left me very confused."
I am currently in a hell of a predicament. I am 55 and my wife who is 49 has fallen in love with her best friend who is a lesbian. She insists that she still loves me and wants to stay with me and our three children but she also wants to see her friend because she is bisexual. Because I love my wife so much I am prepared to continue with our 'arrangement' where she sees her friend twice a week.
I am also friendly with her friend and had it been anyone else or a man it would definitely be over between us after 20 years. Over the last two years various problems have affected our relationship although our sex life has remained good. I feel that in the long term this may have saved our marriage but I'm finding it very difficult to deal with the situation day to day.
All the usual fears creep in, jealousy and betrayal being the main ones. As my wife is adamant she still loves me and me her I think we have a better than average chance of success. One of the things I don't really understand is that she has taken very easily to giving oral sex to her friend but has very rarely done that with me apart from early on.
She loves it when I give her oral by the way which I love to do. Does her reluctance to even attempt any oral towards me point towards her possibly being a lesbian eventually which is my biggest fear? Can you advise on anything which might encourage her in that way because, understandably I think, this has now become an issue which it wasn't really before. Are there any websites you know of where I could contact any people who have successfully stayed with a bisexual wife to give me hope for our future together?
That is quite a predicament - though, I have to say, one you are handling very well, given the circumstances. The first thing I wanted to know was whether your wife had shown any inclination towards bi-sexuality previous to her recent relationship. Is this something that’s come out of the blue or has she always been bisexual?
From what you’ve told me, I’m assuming she hasn’t always been this way and her relationship with her friend is a one off. If this is the case, the situation might be temporary. Women are far more ‘erotically plastic’ than men: they’re far more likely to fall in love with a person, regardless of their gender. Female sexuality tends to be more fluid. In other words, your wife may well be in love with her friend and be bi-sexual right now, but it’s not set in stone.
She may revert back to being straight. Anne Heche is a famous example of a ‘hasbian’: a former lesbian who is now in a heterosexual relationship. I don’t think it means she doesn’t love you either: we’re all perfectly capable of loving and having sex with more than one person. What stops us is our individual moral code (and the hassle - most partners don’t like it and cheating requires a lot of effort!).
I admire your ability to share her with someone else. I wouldn’t be able to do it, regardless of what sex the person was. But if it’s a choice of sharing or not having her at all, I can see why you’ve gone with that decision. Perhaps it might be worth discussing with your wife how long she expects this arrangement to continue. You are indulging her and she is having her cake and (ahem) eating it too.
Maybe the payback is you review the situation in about six months time. She may well tire of her lover (as people tend to do) and you need to work out whether she’s just ‘allowed’ to see this woman or whether you’re open to her starting another relationship with another woman. A few simple rules might make it easier to deal with.
As for the oral sex question. There’s no hard research on this topic but I did ask a few of my gay friends their opinion on it. My gay male friends said one reason why they knew they were gay was that the thought of giving oral sex to a woman revolted them.
My lesbian friends said they’d experimented with guys by giving them oral sex when young and lots found it preferable to intercourse. I don’t think your wife’s enthusiasm for oral sex with her female lover and reluctance to give it to you is a sign she’s going to officially crossover to being lesbian rather than bi-sexual. You can increase your chances of her wanting to do it to you by staying scrupulously clean and favouring positions where she is in complete charge (her kneeling in front of you for instance).
You say you had a great sex life before and are still having good sex, so I don’t think you need to worry she’ll stop wanting to have sex with you - or for that matter, fall out of love with you. But there’s no doubt about it: she is very, very lucky to have such an indulgent and understanding husband.
I did find a few websites that aim to support straight people whose partners are bi-sexual, including www.straightpartnersanonymous.co.uk and www.marriedgay.org. I’m not sure how useful they’ll be but, as with anything, the more informed you are, the easier it is to deal with a situation.