• "I always put her pleasure first and forget to have fun myself"


    I'm a 31yr old guy, not very sexually confident, and coming out a sexless marriage (nothing for four years and I’ve only been married two and a half). I can honestly say I've probably only actually had sex maybe 100 times in my lifetime. I know I'm not very confident, and that then impacts on my mental performance. I've never been able to relax and just enjoy sex. I think I spent too much time reading women's magazines before I ever had sex, so I've been conditioned about putting the woman first, to the extend that I can't enjoy it myself. I always feel a bit guilty and that I'm 'using' the girl if I try and concentrate on my pleasure, and then I worry about my own penis size. This has then started to affect my getting and sustaining erections.

    How can I learn to relax and just enjoy sex, and become more confident? I'm about to embark on a relationship with a woman who is confident and experimental, and I want to be able to learn to satisfy us both.

    I'd love to shed my inhibitions and be more dominant too. I'm curious as to what I've hidden below the surface for so long. I feel I've spent so long worrying about the mechanics that I've forgotten that sex can, and should be, fun. I'd appreciate any insights you can give...


    Bless you for writing this! It's such a nice email and you are clearly such a nice bloke. I suspect lots of women wish more men were like you. It's a plus to worry about her pleasure and, believe me, while you may think it's backfired a little, all that reading of all those women's mags will be a help rather than a hindrance in the long term. You've learnt a great message about sex already: that women take longer to orgasm so it's a good idea to tend to her first. That's important.

    But I can see where it's not working for you in the sense that you've taken it all so much to heart, you can't relax yourself. It's not just men who are like this - women describe the same problem to me. Worrying about their partner's pleasure at the expense of their own, is something that's not uncommon. Usually what happens is once you're in a good relationship and with a partner who makes it clear pleasing YOU is a turn on for them, you start to relax. It starts to dawn on you that it's as much of a turn on letting someone else turn you on, as it is giving pleasure. In other words, you have no need to worry about her not enjoying sex if it's all about you taking for a while - lots of women like being the powerful one in control. Stop worrying that all the giving needs to come from your side. It doesn't.

    As for worrying about your penis size... join nearly every other man on the planet on that one! Thing is (as you well know from reading women's mags!) size really isn't that important to women. In fact, too big causes more problems than someone who is undersize (and bet you aren't by the way - most guys think they are because they watch porn, not realising that men are chosen for porn films because they are bigger than usual!) Women don't orgasm through penetration only so what you do with your tongue, fingers etc is far more important. I’m liking the sound of the new girl. I think with someone who's really into sex, you’ll blossom. She’s confident and will encourage you to let loose that 'naughty' side. We all have one - nothing to be frightened of! You won't suddenly transform into a selfish lover. Instead the scales will tip rather nicely, so you'll learn to give and receive! So don't be scared to explore, feel excited!

    All your fears will evaporate over time and with a lover who makes you feel appreciated. All these fears are normal and, as I said, show that you care and are sensitive to your partner's needs. That's not going to disappear if you become more dominant or experimental.

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    Comments (2)

    • Nymeria: May 25, 2012 21:02
      Just to add another note- it really is about communication too. All the girly advice in the world means nothing when it really and truly depends on the individual. Learn to listen to her breathing and even go by what she says like "softer, right there etc" and in turn, you do the same.

      It's about coming to the balance of give and take. I love pleasuring my partner and he knows it, this feeling and notion is returned too. Some days I "technically" do more for him and him me, but that feeling of knowing you've made them feel so good is incomparable.

      As advised, go with the flow and relax. Communicate with your bodies and verbally and in time you'll get the balance right. =)

    • Ed: November 20, 2012 14:58
      I'm in this same kind of situation. I am always determined to ensure my wife has a good time. Not that she realises this! Despite trying to explain this to her many times, she thinks I'm putting her under pressure to orgasm, which is not how I see it - I just want to help her get off; using all and any techniques, toys and body-parts. Our sex life has got so bad now that we only have sex when I make a scene, so it is then dull and only to shut me up. I try all sorts of things to bridge the gap, but nothing seems to work. Romance, leaving a week or two between approaches, compliments, gifts.

      Anyhow, I'm whingeing... My point was to say that this is a problem more men than you might think, suffer from.

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