"How can I lure him back to bed?"

Question:

My partner of three years has slowly but surely gone off sex. At the start, we were both quite daring. We’d have sex in other rooms of the flat and he loved it when I used to pleasure him. But now he doesn’t seem that interested in sex and all the things that used to work (certain underwear, lots of kissing) don’t have an effect any more.

We’re both still young (early 30s) and I’ve never heard of men going off sex, especially not at our age. Do you think he doesn’t love me anymore or something is physically wrong with him? Now when I try to get him in the mood, he makes excuses of having to work and disappears into his office.

Answer:

Hmmm. Does he keep his laptop in his office and close the door? I’m guessing while you’re not getting any action, his computer might be. Unless you’ve omitted to tell me other obvious pertinent details (like his new ‘best friend’ who’s blonde, leggy and big-breasted), I’m guessing his lack of sex drive has nothing to do with a dire medical condition or lack of love for you. He’s simply bored rigid. (Or not, as the case may be.) The clue is in your rather sweet description of what constitutes ‘daring’ sex - sex outside the bedroom and you giving him oral. Both are fairly common, routine sexual practises.

You both sound both conservative and perhaps a little inexperienced which means your entire sexual repertoire was used up fairly early on. Then you both just kept on doing what worked in the beginning. Over and over and over again. The trouble with doing the same thing to each other continually is that you eventually become desensitised. You wouldn’t dream of serving up steak and chips every single night for three years and expect him to give an excited cry of ‘Oh goodie! Steak and chips!’ when you put it on the table for the 1095th time. Why do you expect him to be excited about sleeping with you, when he’s been served up the same dish there for the same amount of time?

Blindfolded, even adventurous lovers could pick their partners three minutes into a sex session. We all have a certain way of kissing and touching, even if we’re trying our best to vary it. The way to liven up his libido is to introduce some spicy new sex that you’ve both never tried before. The easiest way to transform tired techniques is to buy a good sex book that’s packed with practical techniques as a present for both of you. Say it’s to keep sex fresh, rather than to get him interested again. (It’s a subtle difference but important: one implies curiosity, the other blame.) Go through it together and earmark any techniques you’d like to try on each other. Choosing something that you’d like to do to your partner, rather than what you want done to yourself, puts a different spin on it. It also avoids those inevitable ‘But I thought you loved the way I give you oral!’ moments.

With a bit of much needed variety, I suspect you’ll soon find that pressing late night ‘work’ commitment stops happening and he’s jumping into bed as eagerly as he was at the start.