How Do I Have Hassle-Free One Night Stands?
I'm 32 and I have no desire to settle down just yet. I've had a series of one night stands that have ended with me being shouted at by the women I've had sex with - they accuse me of giving out mixed messages. I want to continue having no-strings sex but want to know how to do it so no-one gets hurt - or angry - afterwards. If I want a one night stand, should I say so up front? If I do, won't she run away? I know I don't sound like a nice guy, but I am!
I don't doubt you're a nice guy: a real 'player' wouldn't care less about hurting women's feelings, past, present or future. I also don't think there's anything wrong with wanting casual relationships at this stage in your life. It's fine to want just sex - so long as the person you're having it with agrees.
Call me old-fashioned, idealistically hopeful or plain deluded but as much as I don't expect you to stand at the foot of someone's bed and announce solemnly, "I'm just here for the sex", I don't think it's too much to ask for you to send out strong signals saying pretty much the same thing. No whispering sweet nothings unless they're sexual.
No saying how fabulous she is - unless you're talking about physical attributes. No hinting at future plans ("I'll have to take you there someday"). In other words, make sure all your chat-up talk is sexual rather than romantic. This sends a clear, unsullied message: I'm interested in you sexually and that's all that's on offer.
If you're really nice, you'll say something like, "Look, you turn me on something dreadful but I can't really promise anything else. Do you want to/can I stay the night or would that be out of order?". This spells out your intentions but in a light-hearted way. If they agree, your conscience is pretty clear but still choose your partners with sensitivity and common sense.
If you're guessing the girl you're chatting up is a little naïve and already has you both on a white horse, galloping along a beach into the perfect sunset in her mind, don't go there.