He Masturbates But Doesn't Want Sex
Q: I've been with my boyfriend six years. He works away but we see each other at weekends. For the past six months, he's been masturbating in bed, beside me, while I sleep. He wakes me up when he does it, then stops but starts again when he thinks I've gone back to sleep.
He's now started doing it while I'm awake and watching TV in bed! He tries to hide it but I know what he's doing! I feel hurt because it makes me feel like he would rather do that than have sex with me. I'm not the most confident person in bed but I want to make him aware I know what he does. What is the best way to do it?
A: You don't say but I'm guessing you aren't having sex regularly together and it's being used more as a substitute than 'extra'. Is there a reason why he'd prefer masturbating semi-secretly rather than have sex with a real person beside him? Perhaps he thinks you don't enjoy sex with him? Or perhaps you're not the only one who lacks confidence and he's unsure of how to please you?
Is he having erection problems? You don't need an erection to masturbate to orgasm but you do need one for penetrative sex and if things are a bit wobbly and he's too embarrassed to admit it, this could be his way of coping.
But all this is conjecture because there's only one real way to know for sure: you need to ask him. Do it in an accusatory way and you'll get nowhere. He'll get defensive and you'll be none the wiser. Instead, wait until you're getting on somewhere private but not in bed, and tell him you'd like to talk about your sex life. Tell him you love having sex with him and would like to do it more often but have noticed that sex has dropped off the radar.
Once you're talking about that, tell him you've noticed he strokes himself when you're in bed together and ask if there's a reason why he'd rather do it himself. Does he feel you don't enjoy sex with him and that's why he doesn't feel comfortable initiating it when he's feeling aroused? Approach it in this way and you might get the answers you're seeking.