How to talk dirty without feeling like an idiot Part 1
It's the one time saying ‘F*** you!’ to your partner could score you a snog rather than a slap. Talking dirty is a fantastic way to shake up a sluggish sex life, but there are many reasons why talking dirty makes us decidedly bashful.
Why you’re nervous
You’re not sure if your partner will like it: You’re actually right to be worried about this one because it’s not gender specific and everyone has a different idea of what’s a turn on and what isn’t. I know lots of women who like really nasty dirty talk - and plenty of men who don’t like either saying it or being on the receiving end.
“It’s demeaning, listening to her talk like a common whore,” one guy told me while I was researching one of my books. Another quiet-as-a-mouse, shy friend lit up like a Christmas tree when she described the freedom of saying the wonderfully trashy stuff you hear in porn.
You can’t always predict how your partner will react and assuming he’ll love trashy talk just because he’s a bloke is a big mistake. So don’t just launch into it. Get them used to the idea by sending texts that start off mild (‘Keep thinking about Sunday morning... can I have a repeat’), then ramp up the raunchiness if that’s well received.
You're scared you'll laugh: You probably will. Talking dirty is funny. That's why you have to do it when you're both turned on, or in the mood to be, because the second you've climaxed, whatever you or your partner just said seems either hilarious or really, really perverted.
If you've been together for a while, think back to how you were in the beginning. You'd eyeball them suggestively, run your tongue around your lips and ask them to do things Jenna Jameson would have blushed at. It's later, when you're mates, that it just starts to feel wrong somehow. Incestuous. You're not alone - it's normal to feel more embarrassed talking dirty as time goes on, rather than the reverse. But, like most things in sex, all you need to fix it is to actually start doing it again.
So whatever your situation, go for it. If either of you laugh at the beginning, so what? Simply keep going. Lust should soon overtake the giggles.
You don't know what to say: There are plenty of ideas coming up in part 2 of this post, but the main thing is to find what feels right for you. Some women love screaming obscenities at the top of their voice and don't give a damn if the neighbours change queues at the checkout when they see them at the supermarket. Others just don't like slang and swear words.
It's OK not to! Whispering 'I want you. Now.' can be just as erotic (to some men, more so!). So don't try to be something you're not. On the other hand, if your partner shoots through the roof (perhaps literally) if you use 'dirty' words, why not indulge them? They're just words, after all. Come up with some compromises: he wants you to use the nasty 'C' word, you don't. How about 'pussy' instead? Come on, that's the same word you call your cat!
How to beat the nerves and turn the air blue
Set some ground rules: Yes, it means pre-planning - and I, of all people, know how much you all hate planning anything to do with sex! But, as with everything to do with sex, it invariably pays off. So have a chat about it before you do it.
- Talk about what sort of language you/they want to use. Set limits if one of you doesn't like slang or swear words. (Be careful with emotionally charged words and phrases like 'You're a dirty slut'. Some women love it because it's so politically incorrect, others find it incredibly insulting.)
- Talk about when you should do it. Just before orgasm or to get you in the mood?
- Do you want them to do it to you but for you not to have to answer?
- Do you want to take turns? What about if he/she whispered in your ear in public?
- Do you want a beginning, middle and end to it? More a fantasy than just dirty talk? What sort of themes (You're my slave, you're a virgin, you're a goddess etc)? Do you want it soft and sexy, low and sinister, forceful and disrespectful?
- Do you want to pretend you're other people? Some people love pretending their partner's 'sleeping' with someone else, others get all jealous, which not only destroys the mood in two minutes flat, it leads to dreaded discussions like, 'This is all about John isn't it! He's got blonde hair and bulging muscles. It's him you're fantasising about!'
Practice makes perfect: In part 2 we will take you through a 'dirty talk' sex session step-by-step. Between now and then, practice saying naughty things in front of the mirror and start composing a few simple sentences.
For advice on things to say and a bullet point guide to talking dirty, see Part 2 of How to talk dirty without feeling like an idiot. For more advice from Tracey on talking dirty check out this advice from the archives.