Fix-its for Different Sex Drives Part 2: You Want Sex More than They Do
In an ideal world, all the people with high sex drives would go out with correspondingly high sex drive people, and all those with low sex drives would do the same.
Sex would be a lot simpler if we did: studies suggest one in three marriages in Britain and the US struggle with problems associated with mismatched desire.
Why do we insist on pairing up with people who don’t feel the same way about sex that we do?
Well, one reason is relationships and love aren’t based entirely on sex. We fall in love and decide to settle down for lots of reasons, not just sexual compatibility.
The other reason is it’s really hard to tell in the beginning what sort of sex drive your partner has, because in the beginning infatuation hormones push a naturally low sex drive much higher than its true level.
It's only when those hormones wear off that you both get a good idea of what each of your 'resting' libidos are.
So, you love your partner but are bitterly disappointed that their libido turned out to be nowhere near as strong as yours?
There's still lots you can do to help balance the sexual scales.
10 Things to Do if You Want Sex More than They Do
Don't hassle, masturbate. If they really don't want sex and you do, get into the habit of looking after yourself. Depending on how broad-minded your partner is, this might mean a light-hearted, 'I'm going in the study for a bit', delivered with a good-natured wink, to pleasuring yourself beside them in bed while they watch.
Make sure it's sex you're hungry for. Don't use sex as a replacement for intimacy, affection, sleep or as a stress reduction device. Redirect your energy. Sex is a physical urge: going for a run or hitting the gym can sometimes satisfy it.
Agree on some 'sex signals' so affection and sex don't get confused. If your partner's feeling hassled for sex, an innocent, affectionate cuddle can easily be misconstrued. The clearer the signal, the less confused sex and love will be. If you don't want to come out and ask, 'How about it?' have a colour code. White equals 'not a chance', pink is 'maybe' and red 'absolutely up for it'.
Accept that 'no' means no. If you've sent a clear signal and been rejected, don't push it further.
Don't take more than you need. Don't demand a smorgasbord of sexual delights when a snack would take away the hunger pains. Don't make every session a marathon - or all about you. Offer to give them an oral sex treat, without them having to reciprocate. A hand-job can be just as satisfying as full penetration.
Agree to let them take the exit route. If your partner agrees to give it a try to see if they can become aroused, let them exit if they want to. If they know they can stop at any stage, they'll be more likely to give it a go. If they do stop before you're ready, take matters into your own hands and have an orgasm solo.
Create optimum conditions for sexual satisfaction. Know what turns your partner on and off. If oral sex does it for them, explore all possible options. Learn new tricks and tips and broaden your sexual repertoire as much as possible in this area.
Don't confuse being loved with being lusted after. Just because their tongue's not hanging out just by looking at you, doesn't mean they love or fancy you less than you do them. Your sexual response system works quicker, that's all.
Use lube. If you get aroused much easier than they do, using lube not only speeds their arousal, it makes foreplay feel better, making them more likely to want to continue.
Try some magnet therapy. This is a clear and effective way to communicate when you want sex, taking the awkwardness and guesswork out of it. Put two magnets on the fridge - one each - which each of you move to show how horny you're feeling. The higher the magnet, the more you feel like sex. This removes the pressure of each trying to second guess and let's the less 'sexy' person take control a little. It gives them the chance to be one to initiate by being first to move their magnet skyward. (Something you'd be wise to remember if you're tempted to superglue yours to the highest position! If you let their magnet creep higher than yours, their libido rises along with their confidence.)
Is it them who wants sex more than you do? Check out Part 1 of Fix-Its for Different Sex Drives for strategies and advice. For more advice on matching sex drives, check out Sex Advice: How to Match your Libidos from the archives.