How to talk about sex: Part 2
Part one of 'How to talk about sex' detailed the basics of how to talk to your partner about sex in general. Now we’re talking specifics. Whether you want more of something, a technique done differently or are aching to share that fantasy, here’s how to get things started…
If you don't ask, you don't get...
If you want more of the same talk about the great times you've already had in bed. Say exactly what you loved about it ('Wasn't it great to make love outside?'). It builds up their confidence and cements your sexual history. Couples who talk a lot about the good times they've had are happier than those who don't.
If you want something done differently gently suggest new things, rather than criticise what they're already doing. Try, 'I love it when you give me oral. Can you do it for longer, sometimes I feel rushed', rather than 'You never give me oral sex for long enough'.
If you want to try a new position check out some of my blogs on positions together.
Have a browse through, deciding which positions take your fancy and which don't appeal at all. Far easier to look at a few illustrations than try to explain complicated poses.
If you want him to use your vibrator on you during intercourse start by suggesting a vibrating penis ring. He wears it over his penis, giving the illusion it's his huge, manly member doing the trick, rather than the craftily placed little vibrator working its magic on your clitoris. (Just make sure he grinds in a circular fashion, maintaining good contact between the vibe and you, or it really will just be down to his penis alone.)
If you have a fantasy you want to share with her consider recording it on your phone and turning it on as you start to have sex. Mouths are (and should be) busy during a good session, making it hard to talk. If you want to use the fantasy as a mood-setter, send it via email or text but feed it through, bit by bit. One crucial tip before acting on this one: make it very clear what you want done with the fantasy. Is it just to turn the two of you on? Do you want to role play? Or actually do it in reality? All, very, very different things.
If you want to suggest doing something a bit 'out there' find a film that features what you want to do in an appealing way. (Billions on Sky Atlantic right now is a top choice if you're keen to try a bit of S&M; as is the classic The Secretary. Go for a good oldie like 9 ½ Weeks if you fancy a sexy food fest or playing with ice cubes and blindfolds.)
Watch their reaction while it's on. If they look intrigued, say 'That's sexy. I fancy a bit of that... Do you?'.
Another old favourite, 'I had a dream last night we were doing such-and-such...', and watch to see what their response is.
If you want to talk dirty but can't bring yourself to do it live in person, again, record yourself doing it or leave voicemail on their mobile (never, ever leave it on their answering machine at home - we've all seen the sitcoms). Other ideas: leave a note in their jean pocket or wallet; write a message on the mirror in the steam from the shower; call them at work when they can't answer back and tell them exactly what you've got planned for that night. 'Just thought you'd like to know I'm masturbating right now because I can't wait to be inside you later', then hang up.
Good things to say or try...
- I love touching you.
- Do you like it when I do it here/hard/soft/like this/like that?
- I love licking you.
- Which way do you like it best - like this or that?
- Demonstrate by using your tongue on the palm of her hand or sucking one of his fingers.
- Your bottom is so divine. Do you want me to spank it?
- Do you want me to put a finger inside you?
- Can I kiss you here?
Never ever say or do...
- I hate it when you do that.
- God, that's so irritating.
- Deliver a criticism without a compliment before it.
- Sara used to cum in about two seconds flat.
- John used to do this thing with his fingers and I really miss it. Could you give it a try?
- The hottest sex I ever had was with this Swedish backpacker on a beach. Why don't we ever have sex on a beach?
- Shout 'And you're rubbish in bed!' in the middle of an argument. Say 'Why don't we ever do this or that?', in an accusatory, whiny voice.
- Use the word 'should' instead of could you or would you.
- Say 'That's not normal' (unless it well and truly isn't!).
- Be insensitive to their limitations - if she always takes 20 minutes to orgasm, don't shout 'Cum on my face!' two seconds in.
- Make dirty talk sound like a demand or criticism.