Sex after a split
Thought you’d never have to stare at a strange ceiling again?
Won’t even show your naked body to the cat, let alone someone new?
Splitting up with a long-term lover leaves most of us feeling vulnerable, insecure and unattractive.
You can’t imagine yourself ever being happy, let alone wanting or having having hot, erotic sex with someone new.
But trust me: that day will come - and so will you!
Here’s how to navigate the journey back to the bedroom, emotionally and physically.
Get ready: 5 steps to sexy
- Go on a health kick If you’ve been drowning your sorrows with booze, cigarettes, sugar and crisps, stop - now! Eat green things, drink green things, join a gym, go for a run, join a dance class, anything to get you up and moving. The healthier you feel and the more energy you have, the quicker you’ll reconnect to your body.
- Buy a new toy If you’re a woman, this usually means the latest, greatest vibrator. If you’re a guy, try a ‘stroker’ or male masturbatory sleeve. They’re inexpensive and transform a bog-standard solo sex session into something, well, extraordinary!
- Masturbate The more orgasms your body has, the more it craves. There is no quicker way to revive a stagnant libido.
- Flirt - with everyone! The dog, the butcher, the old man or lady who lives next door… Flirting means charming the pants off everyone that crosses your path so they think you’re irresistibly fun and lovely. Give it a try and watch your self-confidence soar.
- Stop stressing about your body Sure, it might not be like it was 20 years ago (or ten or however long you were with your now ex-partner) but you aren’t the only person on the planet who has aged. Assuming you’re not planning on shagging someone light years younger, gravity and life will have taken their toll on them as well.
For some people, no-strings-sex is just what the doctor ordered after a split to blow the cobwebs away.
Research shows the quickest way to get over someone is indeed to get under someone else!
Just remember all those nasty diseases didn’t go away while you were wrapped up in your couple bubble, so use condoms and trust your instincts.
Also remember: you’re not bulletproof.
Even if this is a casual, probably drunken encounter with someone you have no intention of seeing again, the first sex you have post split will still stir up strong emotions.
It might well be unadulterated joy (‘Thank God I never have to sleep with that bitch/bastard again!’) but it might also be disappointment (“This person hasn’t a clue what to do with my body and I can’t face teaching someone all over again”) or paranoia (“Is this person going to reject me as well?).
Don’t go there until you’re absolutely certain you’re in the right frame of mind, reasonably sure this person will treat you decently and you’ll feel sexy - not sordid - afterwards.
Having sex with someone you know but also know you’re never going to end up with long-term is an extremely popular female choice of getting back on the saddle.
Just be careful who you choose to have your fling with. Your boss, your best friend’s husband, your best male friend - think long and hard before you step across the line from friend to lover.
If you’re making a beeline for someone who already belongs to someone else, I’d head for a therapist rather than the nearest hotel. (You don’t have to be Freud to figure out you’re subconsciously trying to hurt others because you’ve been hurt yourself.)
A light-hearted fling with anyone available, hot and interested is, however, a very good idea.
Especially if it’s with someone who is completely unlike your ex. (If your ex really was your perfect type, you’d still be with them, right? Time to think outside the square!)
Someone you think might be the real thing
Some people aren’t interested in casual sex or seem to effortlessly glide from one long-term relationship into another.
If you’re grabbing the first warm body that passes because you hate being on your own, you don’t need me to tell you it’s an unhealthy habit.
But it can just be a personality thing.
I have a couple of friends who move easily from one relationship to the next in what seems like lightning speed to me.
“Relationships aren’t complicated. People complicate them. I get on well with lots of people,” said one of them, as explanation.
Regardless of whether you met this person two weeks after your split or two years and umpteen one-nighters later, having sex with someone you actually like and want to stay with is a big deal post-divorce or separation.
This is often the person you end up having a little post-coital grief attack with.
So don’t be surprised if you cry afterwards.
For many people, especially women, sleeping with someone you really like marks the true ending of the previous relationship.
It hits you like a lightning bolt: My God. It really is over.
Even if you broke out the champagne when your ex left, don’t be surprised if you feel more vulnerable than lusty when D-Day actually arrives.
Just stick to the basics, keep it simple and take baby steps.
Most importantly, never let ANYONE force you into having sex before you’re physically and emotionally ready.
Not your best friend, your mother, a partner or even yourself.
If it doesn’t feel right yet, wait until it is.
If this person really is the real deal, they will understand.