The 9 things you should never say in bed
I’ve always said mouths are great for lots of things in bed, but the most important of them all is talking.
Second most important: knowing when to zip your lips.
There are some sex sentences that should never, ever be said - especially not in the heat of the moment. Like…
Did you just have an orgasm?
This sparks immediate paranoia because it makes us feel that we should have been noisier and more dramatic to make it obvious.
Truth is, for every person who moans and groans and makes a lot of noise, there’s another person who goes deadly quiet. Silence doesn’t mean it wasn’t enjoyable.
If you’re a woman saying this to a man, you can add extra insult points because he thinks you should be able to feel if he’s fully aroused or it’s all over Rover. (Is it so small, she can’t tell the difference?)
You’ve turned me on, now you have to finish me off
Often followed by snide references to being a ‘prick teaser’, this is a favourite with teenagers (the whole ‘blue balls’ thing) but older men sometimes drag it out as well.
There are some very good reasons why this isn’t on.
First up, if someone says they don’t want to continue having sex, you must accept that no matter what their reasons.
It’s called consent.
Forcing your partner to continue having sex simply because you aren’t ready for it to finish yet, is having sex without their consent.
Second good reason: lots of people in long-term relationships agree to start having some type of sexual activity to see if they can get in mood for sex. Stimulation often leads to arousal.
If you know your partner is going to get sulky or moody or aggressive if you don’t follow through, you’re not going to chance it by letting them try to change your mind.
If you’re aroused and your partner says, ‘You know what? I’m just not up for this today. Do you mind if we stop?’, the only correct answer is ‘Of course!’.
Then off to the bathroom you go to DIY (or do it right there beside them, if they’re up for it!)
What are you doing?
Along with ‘Not like that!’, disparaging comments about technique can sabotage the best sex session.
I’m all for feedback and letting your partner know what you want but there’s a time, a place and a way of doing it.
Unless you’ve both agreed that this particular session is all about ‘training’ each other in what you want, you’ll generally get much further talking nitty-gritty specifics out of bed.
Surprise! Come and see our new sex dungeon!
Some sex surprises are great.
Lingerie (with gift receipt), a new version of a sex toy you use all the time, a booking for a night in a sexy hotel - you won’t go too wrong announcing any of these to an unsuspecting partner.
But yelling ‘Surprise’ as you open the front door for your partner having set the scene to re-enact their darkest sex fantasy (operative word being ‘fantasy’) is almost guaranteed to backfire.
Listen, suggesting anything different from the norm is usually welcomed with open arms given most of us stick to the same routine, time and time again.
But if you’re really intent on keeping the surprise element, at least drop some broad, rather obvious hints about what might be in store to ensure you’re on the right track.
Besides, anticipation is all part of the fun of trying something new.
Is it in yet?
A no-no for the glaringly obvious reason of insinuating he’s not very big.
More than 90 per cent of men worry about their penis size - which is why this tops the list for him.
But there’s an equally as ego-destroying flipside, if he says it to her.
Sure, you haven’t been doing your kegel exercises that regularly but surely he can’t possibly mean...
Can I just get that? Won’t be a moment
Seriously, in the old days, interrupting sex to take a phone call would be something you’d see in a sitcom.
According to recent research, one in ten of us now check our phones during sex and one in five will actually take a call.
Most of us have sex for about 15 minutes per session, is it seriously that important that it can’t wait a bit?
My last girlfriend never had any problems
This one’s pulled out by men when she doesn’t climax the way he expects her to: namely during penetration.
Only 30 per cent of women can orgasm via intercourse only (without extra stimulation of the clitoris).
It’s far more likely she’s one of the 70 per cent who can’t, so chances are she did have ‘problems’, she just didn’t feel comfortable enough to tell you about it.
There are a lot of reasons why women fake orgasms and being told your ex could orgasm from one thrust (really?) is one of them.
Is it me? Is that why you can’t get an erection?
Contrary to public perception, men aren’t sex robots that get erections on cue.
There are many, many reasons why he might not be rock hard - and him not fancying you is one of the least likely.
More likely is he’s drunk, stressed or tired - or fancies you too much and is worried like mad he’s not going to perform well.
Either way, making a big deal of it makes the situation worse.
What’s wrong with you, you weirdo?
You don’t have to agree to do everything your partner suggests but try not to use words like ‘weird’ and ‘kinky’ or suggest they ‘get help’ (unless of course the request really is out there, in which case go right ahead!).
You don’t expect to have the same taste in everything in life and are happy to differ on food, films and fads.
Why should sex be any different?