We all make mistakes in bed (and if you aren’t making any, you aren’t taking any risks!). Most are forgivable - others not so much. Here’s my his and her’s rundown on those that you really do want to avoid.
HIS WORST MISTAKES
During oral sex:
- Using the tip of a stiff tongue rather the flat of it. First up, your tongue will be knackered out in about five minutes. Second, it feels too hard on her end (especially at the start). Third, if you flatten out your tongue as much as possible, it covers a bigger area and feels deliciously soft and squishy. Wiggle it around a little and she’s nearly there.
- Expecting an orgasm in five minutes. Unless she’s massively turned on, settle in for the long haul. Around 20 minutes is about right. Yes really.
Good technique is crucial for long-term sex satisfaction - and being in the right position helps enormously. Here’s my pick of the crucial do’s and don'ts for him and her.
MAKE HIS DAY
- You need access to his testicles, anus and perineum as well as to be able to grasp the base of the penis and slide the other hand up and over. In other words, you need room. Also, make sure you’re not at an angle where your hand’s going to end up in a weird position and get twisted or cramped.
- It’s all about height. Use stairs, pillows or pieces of furniture to align his bits with your mouth.
- You lie on your back, head on the pillows. He kneels over you, supporting his weight on the wall behind the bed with his hands.
It used to be that anal play was something only super-adventurous ‘out there’ couples did.
These days, almost half (40-45%) of couples in the US have tried anal sex and enjoy anal stimulation and those figures are reflected in the UK.
But anal play is a bit like tie-up games - what the hell do you do, once you’ve got the person at your mercy?
This is my guide to the basics to get you started.
Rimming or analingus. This involves licking, flicking or inserting a stiff tongue into the anal passage and thrusting like a pretend penis.
It feels great (for both sexes) because the area is highly sensitive and loaded with nerve endings. If you’re worried about germs, STIs (and you should be if your partner hasn't been tested) or you’re generally squeamish, put a barrier between it and you - try a piece of clingfilm or cut open a condom and lay it across the opening. Then lick and flick around and into the opening.
You’ll often see the words ‘tease’ and ‘sex’ in the same sentence because the former is such an effective way to keep long-term sex alive.
Teasing works on the ‘intermittent reinforcement’ principle: if you reward someone every time they expect it, it becomes less desirable. If you reward them every now and then, their excitement level stays heightened and the pleasure more intense. (If you don’t deliver any of the time, our pleasure centres simply give up!)
Sexually teasing your partner involves the promise of stimulation, along with the threat of it not happening. If you’re very, very good at teasing, the prime aim is to make the person beg for your touch.
It takes skill and practice (and a certain type of personality!) to get it right but the good news is, with the help of these clever sex toys, anyone can learn the art of titillation!
The rabbit vibrator is still one of the most popular out there - even though there are a myriad of different styles to choose from. So why do women keep going back for more?
Well, it’s all because…
Charlotte had one. I remember seeing a huge billboard advertising a new TV show called Sex and the City when I was in Vegas. (Yes, I am really old!) The hype was enormous - and the show exceeded all expectations.
Not only did we all fall in love with Carrie and the girls, they taught us something new about sex in every episode.
The episode when Charlotte locks herself in her bedroom and refuses to come out for days on end after buying her first ‘rabbit’ was the tipping point that sent sales of rabbit vibrators soaring.
Anal play, once taboo, is now standard sex play for lots of couples. Want to give it a go? Here are some ideas of where to start and what to do.
Go by the rules. This is important for any type of anal play. Start slow (as in the time between trying a finger and trying a penis is weeks, rather than the same session). Be gentle. Stop if it feels too painful. Always use anal lube because it's heavy duty, lasts longer and is more slippery.
Choose your time. There are right and wrong times to initiate anal play. And it’s not immediately after your partner’s just polished off a three-course gassy dinner, especially one containing Brussels sprouts! Many a lover's hand has been brushed aside while tentatively exploring, never to return again, not because their partner's weren't interested but because they were worried… well, you work it out.
For a long time, the G-spot (Grafenburg spot) was shrouded in myth and mystery. We wanted to believe in it even though we weren’t sure if it existed. Researchers remain conflicted over whether it’s a decadently optimistic fantasy whilst others say there does appear to be a small, sexually responsive path on the vaginal wall which can trigger orgasm when stimulated.
My theory is while there might not be a ‘spot’, there are definitely areas on the front vaginal wall that are sensitive when stimulated. (And if you’re wondering why I call some of my vibrators ‘G-spot’ vibes, it’s simply because saying ‘front vaginal wall and prostate stimulator’ is a bit of a mouthful!) Here’s how you can find and stimulate hers.
The position. It’s on the front vaginal wall, the side closest to her tummy, around 5cm (2 inches) inside the vagina. The area protrudes slightly but only when the glands surrounding the urethral tube have become swollen - which happens when she’s aroused.
Forget the stomach: the way to a man’s heart is through his penis! But it’s fussier than you think. Here’s seven of its most favourite things to keep him purring with pleasure…
Take your time. Just as you hate him diving straight for your clitoris, he hates you pouncing immediately on the penis. Men like foreplay too! Kiss and stroke everywhere, glide up the inside of his thighs, pay attention to his testicles and the area of the tummy just above where his erect penis sits.
Use a firm grip. True, some women use a grip like a vice but the majority go too soft. Get the pressure just perfect by asking him what feels best.
Ask if he’s enjoying it. Using the same technique on every guy and expecting them all to like it, is plain silly. You ask people how they like their coffee, don’t you? Ask him to either show you the technique he likes best or put his hand over yours to provide direction.
It’s the one organ on the body that’s designed purely for pleasure. Here’s how to make sure that’s all she feels while you’re lavishing attention on her precious part.
Lubrication. Clitorises like to be wet and slippery: the best technique in the world feels like hell rather than heaven if the area is dry. You can use saliva or a dab of good quality personal lubricant around the area until she becomes aroused and her natural lubrication kicks in. Remember, her feeling dry doesn’t mean she isn’t enjoying what you’re doing. Periods, stress, dehydration - all affect our natural lubrication.
Gentle fingers. The number one complaint for women, regardless of age, is that men are too rough when they touch them. Read her body language for signs: if she presses against you, she wants more pressure. If she pulls away, she wants you to be more gentle.
Slow, consistent strokes. Whether you’re using your hands or tongue, you must - and I repeat must - keep going in a consistent, steady rhythm. The clitoris likes repetition. You might think you’re impressing her by switching between techniques, you’re not. Most of the time it simply means we slide down the bottom of the climax ladder and have to start climbing all over again.
Last week’s blog post gave general tips on how to act out those saucy head-sex scenarios - and included a ready-made fantasy scene for her.
This week it’s his turn with a classic favourite:
‘Forcibly’ seducing an innocent
It’s forbidden sex for both of you and an easy role-play to start with. Don’t panic, there’s absolutely no violence or pain involved. This is a very mild version of the common ‘pretend rape’ fantasy with a virgin element thrown in. Add more ‘struggling’ and ‘force’ to suit your taste!
- She’s naked, you’re clothed (it doesn’t usually matter what in but dressing formally can add to the older man, younger woman element).
- She pretends to be discovering her sexuality privately by standing in front of a mirror, running her hands over her body. You come up silently behind her and cover her eyes with your hand. The feel of her naked skin against your rough clothes feels exciting because it’s a new sensation.