No time, bored or simply can’t be bothered? These are just some of the excuses we drag out to explain why sex is put on the backburner.
But there is a way to get past those sexual sticking points.
This is the second in a series of three blogs to help you get things moving again. Read the first one here
I NEVER GET THE CHANCE TO INITIATE
If you’re constantly being hassled for sex, you don’t get the chance to miss it.
It’s called ‘the seesaw phenomenon’: the more one person does, the less the other does. The more often they initiate sex, the less often you will.
Never getting the chance to be the one to say ‘How about it?’ is both tedious and demeaning. If your libido’s lower than theirs, you already feel you’re letting the side down.
Here’s what you do to fix this one: and it’s simple advice. Tell your partner you miss not being the one to initiate sex.
This alone – and I guarantee it – will have an extraordinary reaction. ‘They’re never the one doing the asking’ is a common complaint – for both sexes, by the way. It’s not just women who go off sex, men do too.
The reason why you not initiating hurts so much is that your partner thinks it means you secretly don’t enjoy having sex with them at all.
This is why simply saying you’d like to be given the chance to, scores enormous points.
Always remember, as much as you’re sick of being asked, your partner is mighty sick of asking!
Make a pact with whoever it is that initiates to stop making any sexual overtures for two weeks to give you the chance to approach them.
Wait for a bit, then – around day nine or 10 – pounce!
Even if your first approach is a bit forced – by this stage you’re probably not frothing in the mouth for it – pretend.
Yes, pretend. Act the part of someone who is desperate to sleep with your partner.
Pack the kids off to your Mums or wait until they’ve gone to bed and once they leave, grab them, push them against a wall and snog their socks off.
They really want me. My god, they like having sex with me after all. Nothing, but nothing, will make more difference to your sex life than you initiating sex more often.
Also think about how you’re initiating from now on.
Be obvious, direct, assertive. Rolling over and kissing once you’re in bed is OK but it’s not terribly original now, is it now?
Think ‘If I don’t have sex with them now I’ll die’.
Many a study has shown ‘pretending’ passion creates it.
Power is a massive turn-on and if you’re the one who’s suddenly up for it and making all the moves, you’ll be surprised how turned on you’ll feel.
I’M BORED BECAUSE WE DO THE SAME THING. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Humans are creatures of habit and like doing the same things in order. Sometimes this works for us: having a pre-bed ritual, for instance, sends triggers to our brain that we’re ready to sleep (There’s the eye-makeup remover and they’re cleaning their teeth, it must be time for bed).
Watching a much-loved film a second or even third time can be just as enjoyable as the first. But if I made you sit down and watch it 100 times a year – a rough average of how often you have sex – I doubt you’d be quite so enthusiastic.
Yet this exactly what we do in bed: deal up the same old stuff, every single time.
Knowing what’s coming next with sex works for some people but for the majority it doesn’t.
It’s bad enough only being allowed to make love to the same person, but to do the same thing over and over is generally sexual suicide.
Why do we do it? Well, because that’s what worked in the beginning. They liked it, you liked it.
Then there’s the fear attached to trying new things. What if we try something new and they don’t like it? What will we look like in that new position? Will we look silly/fat/desperate?
Get past this by making a pact to both come up with something new to try once a week for a month. Then each of you takes turns, taking the lead.
Try doing the opposite to what you always do: if you normally have romantic sex, try ‘filthy sex’.
Move sex out of the bedroom. Leave some sexy underwear on or your high heels rather than strip naked. Rent a hotel room and pretend you’re having an affair. Try out some sex toys. Try some porn or a tie-up game. Those are just the obvious places to start.
Also look at the proportion of time you spend on what in your sex sessions and mix that up as well.
Two years ago, you told him you want more foreplay – which is why the poor bugger’s still putting in 40 minute oral sessions.
There is such a thing as too much foreplay.
We all love a good massage but if the masseur focuses on the same spot for too long, it quickly changes from heaven to annoying. You start to desensitize and get frustrated ("Move on for god’s sake, you’ve done that bit and there’s only 35 minutes left!") Sex is the same. What feels exquisite to start with can make us start to feel either painful or numb if it’s done for too long.
This is the second in a three-part series. Next week, what do you do if you simply can’t be arsed to do it or your lover continues to do things you’ve told them you absolutely hate?