I’m writing this a little under duress.
I really don’t want to perpetrate the myth that there’s something wrong if you don’t have simultaneous orgasms as often as you clean your teeth. Or that it’s the be all and end all orgasm experience.
Truth is, couples coming together – at exactly the same time, most times you have sex – is a myth.
Everyone pretends it happens naturally and all the time, but it doesn’t.
Quite frankly, taking turns to orgasm is not only more practical (it’s much harder to come together than it is in succession), it’s sometimes more satisfying.
Having an orgasm is a selfish experience: you’re totally and utterly fixated on your own pleasure. Which means it’s bloody difficult to pay much attention to your partner’s.
For men, this is less of a problem. Men’s orgasms are easier to trigger and once triggered, continue.
Women’s require a lot more attention and, unless tended from start to finish, can halt halfway through. While he’s twitching and moaning with orgasmic joy, she’s often twitching and moaning with resentment if the stimulation has become less than perfect, robbing her at the last moment.
Yes, it can be an incredibly bonding moment when you both orgasm at the same time, but you’re still better off making it a pleasant bonus rather than an aim.
I also want to reiterate – even if you are mighty sick of hearing me say it – that most women (80 per cent) don’t orgasm purely through penetration.
So, if you’re feeling inferior about not having coital orgasms, stop it. You’re the norm, not the sad exception.
Here, you’ll find tips on how to orgasm together through penetration, but don’t ignore other ways (like masturbating together, taking turns to give and receive oral sex and delivering an experienced hand-job).
I’m also generalizing to appeal to as many of you as possible.
Most of the time, simultaneous orgasm is about getting him to slow down (not orgasm so quickly) and getting her to speed up (hurry up hers).
If the opposite is true for you, some of the tips won’t apply. If that’s the case, read the tips for the opposite sex and you may find they’re more applicable.
For men sleeping with men and women sleeping with women, there seems to be less of a fixation about needing to orgasm at exactly the same time. Perhaps because you both have the same sexual systems, it’s easier to align your orgasms (and less need to fake).
Hopefully, there’s something for everyone here though.
Tease yourself during masturbation
Few women climb steadily from 1-10 on the arousal scale, in order, spending the same amount of time at each level.
Most skip all over the place in an average sex session, going from a 3 to a 6 if he hits the right spot with his tongue and sliding from nine to three if he doesn’t.
The trick for simultaneous orgasm is to get you as close as possible to tipping over but leaving enough time for him to ‘catch up’.
Make sure he understands it doesn’t mean you’re not turned on if you’re not wet.
It’s a good indicator but it’s not absolute and it’s also individual: some women lubricate loads, others only a tiny amount when they’re so desperate for sex they’d trade the three kids for three flicks of the right tongue.
Use the bridge manoeuvre
This is the technique most sex therapists recommend.
The basic idea is to give you clitoral stimulation up to the point of, but not actually to, orgasm and let his thrusting trigger off the orgastic reflex.
This effectively provides a ‘bridge’ between clitoral stimulation and intercourse. (He stimulates the clitoris right up to penetration, then thrusting takes over as prime stimulation.) Some studies show up to half of women who couldn’t previously climax through penetration alone were able to – without ‘priming’ first – after using this technique regularly.
Choose the right position
Woman on top or him from behind are the most likely positions to stimulate the front vaginal wall and up your chances of orgasm.
Some men say her-on-top makes it easier for them to control ejaculation; others say, being so visual, having that glorious view has the opposite effect. Decide which positions are most likely to tip you over the edge and pray like hell it’s one which has the opposite effect on him.
Pull out all the stops
Try all the techniques solo and if they don’t work (or even if they do), combine them. Pick a position which hits the front wall of the vagina and use a wand vibrator on your clitoris. One of you works on your clitoris as he penetrates and bites your neck/talks dirty (or whatever your personal orgasm trigger might be).
Use your PC muscle to control orgasms
The better toned your genitals, the more control you’ll have over both your orgasms. Not only can you ‘milk’ him with your muscles when you’re ready for him to orgasm (pretty much ensuring he will too), rhythmically squeezing your PC muscle is thought to increase lubrication and your pleasure as well. (Your PC muscle is the one you’d use to stop yourself from peeing)
If you think he’s too close to climaxing…
and you’re not ready yet, pull down on his testicles gently to decrease his chances of orgasm. Keep your hands away from his perineum, testicles or anus until you’re ready for him to climax. Double stimulation for him isn’t usually a good idea until you’re about 90 per cent there.
FOR BOTH OF YOU
Tell each other exactly where you’re at. I don’t mean a clinical, doctor-like discussion (‘I’m a 4.678 moving steadily toward a 5. But hang on, that’s just dipped to 4.4544’), more along the ‘God this is great, I’m nearly there’ lines.
If you don’t think it will interfere with the mood, use a simple number system. Groaning out a ‘Nine!’ or delivering a curt ‘Still two’ might seem odd to start, but it’s a quick and effective way to communicate in bed.
Masturbate in front of each other
Take turns and concentrate on watching your partner’s body signals at each stage. This will give you lots of clues on how excited your partner is at any given moment.
Let your arousal levels dictate what to do next
He’s a six and she’s a nine? This is the moment to move into fast, furious penetrative sex with the best chance of both of you coming together through penetration. He’s a nine and she’s a six? Cease his stimulation entirely and get him to concentrate on her with his fingers, mouth, a vibrator….
Switch stimulation regularly
Not only will it keep you both hovering rather than climbing steadily toward a climax, it stops sex becoming too orgasm focused. Change positions. Massage, lick or caress each other’s breasts. Give oral sex. Receive it. Change rooms. Change the music. Anything to change the mood, keeping it hot and sexy but maintaining a measure of control.
Make friends with her vibrator
If you asked me the best tip I could possibly give you to achieve simultaneous orgasm, this would be it.
One of you holding a classic style vibrator (slim, cylindrical, non-intrusive) over the clitoral area during penetrative sex is – in my opinion – the most effective way to ensure a shared orgasm experience.
Why don’t more people do it?
Some don’t like introducing something ‘mechanical’ – and lots of men don’t understand the whole vibrator thing and feel a tad threatened. Quite frankly, in terms of fast, guaranteed, regular orgasms there is no competition. Women have problems not having an orgasm with a vibrator, not having one. Having said this, men still shouldn’t be threatened. Jealous, yes, but not threatened.