I’m asked a lot (and I mean a lot) to write about how to make penetrative sex last longer, so you’ll find more than the odd article on my website about this.
But before I give you some more practical tips, let me make one point abundantly clear.
Before you start judging yourself on how long your sex sessions currently last, do a reality check.
Australian researchers asked 500 couples to time themselves having intercourse over the period of a month, using a stop watch. The clock started on penetration and finished immediately after ejaculation.
They found the average time most couples have sex is 5.4 minutes but – wait for it – the results ranged from 33 seconds to 44 minutes.
There is no ‘normal’ time to have sex.
Now we have that clear, here’s some tips!
BOTH OF YOU SHOULD:
Get into the habit of telling each other exactly where you’re at, arousal wise.
I don’t mean a clinical, doctor-like discussion, more along the lines of ‘This feels great – maybe a little too great’ lines.
If you don’t think it will interfere with the mood, use a number system.
Groaning out a ‘Nine!’ or delivering a curt ‘Still two’ might seem odd to start, but it’s a quick and effective way to communicate in bed.
Keep pace with each other
He’s almost at the finish line but you’ve barely started?
Stop his stimulation entirely and get him to switch his focus to concentrating entirely on you.
It’s impossible for both of you to be at exactly the same arousal stage at the same time all the way through the session but it makes sense to ‘take turns’ with who is being stimulated, depending on who is the most turned on.
Switch stimulation regularly
Not only will it keep you both hovering rather than climbing steadily toward a climax, it stops sex becoming too orgasm focused, making it last longer.
Change positions. Change rooms. Change the music. Do anything to change the mood, keeping it sexy but maintaining a measure of control.
If you take charge during penetration (via a woman on top position) you can keep a close eye on how aroused he’s becoming, slowing things down or speeding up accordingly.
I’m not saying sex = intercourse – far from it – but it’s true to say that both your enthusiasm levels are higher before you’ve had your first orgasm.
Putting off your orgasms for as long as possible, keeps the session high energy.
(If he does give in and let go, no problems! The upside to that is, the more often he has an orgasm, the longer he’ll last the next time.)
Develop strong orgasm triggers
If you’re focused on slowing him down, you’re focusing less on your own pleasure.
This is great for him, not so great for you since most women need to concentrate to orgasm.
The more signposts of impending orgasm your brain can recognize, the easier it is to trigger the orgasmic response.
Which means if your excitement level drops while helping him keep a lid on his more excitable arousal levels, you can easily kick start it again.
The more your brain travels a certain path neurologically, the more effortless it becomes.
Focus on what you naturally do on approach to orgasm, then exaggerate it.
If you breathe heavier and faster, breathe even heavier the next time you’re about to climax.
If you notice you tense your buttocks and thighs, do that.
Get to the point where your brain thinks ‘Aha! Deep heavy breathing combined with buttock and thigh flexing means she’s about to orgasm. Better get cracking and make it happen!’.
Do this and orgasm becomes effortless and spontaneous.
Squeeze to please
If you think he’s too close to climaxing and neither of you want it to happen yet, pull down on his testicles gently to decrease his chances of orgasm.
Or use the squeeze technique: a traditional method of dealing with men who orgasm faster than you’d both like.
When he’s highly aroused, firmly squeeze the head of the penis for 15-20 seconds, putting your thumb on the frenulum (the stringy piece of skin where the head connects to the shaft) and first and second fingers on top of the head.
Know the facts to relax
Premature ejaculation is when a man orgasms too quickly for his, or his partner’s, satisfaction.
As you can appreciate, this might mean anything from five thrusts to 15 minutes depending on the people involved. (If you skipped the first paragraph about being realistic, go back and read it now.)
Around 30% of men experience PE at some point with lots of men ejaculating within two minutes of penetration.
Feeling like you should last hours instead of minutes simply adds to performance anxiety, which means you have even less control.
Stop trying to live up to what you see in porn: intercourse lasts minutes not hours.
DON’T choose your favourite position
Certain positions turn us on more or stimulate us more effectively.
If you want intercourse to last longer, you’re better off choosing something that isn’t as visually erotic or where you feel less simulated.
Slow down for better sex
Men are no different to women when it comes to orgasm intensity: the longer the action, the stronger the reaction.
There’s good evidence the strength of your orgasm, like hers, depends on the length of foreplay and other erotic stimulation involved.
It feels much more satisfying when you’ve hovered at the ‘plateau’ stage (the stage after arousal and before orgasm) for longer.
Slowing sex down isn’t just for her benefit – it’s for yours as well.
It’s well worth making the effort!
Know your orgasm inside out
The better you know your orgasm, the more you’ll know exactly what’s going to send you over the edge.
The easiest way to do this is to get into the habit of ‘scoring’ your arousal level.
Think about your last great orgasm moment and give that a 10.
Zero is when you’re at your in-laws making small talk in between passing the sprouts.
As you move from no arousal to lift-off, you’ll move through the spectrum from 1-10.
Practise rating yourself and you’ll have much more control over when you orgasm.
Lots of men find it easier to practice assessing their arousal levels during masturbation so they can focus exclusively on the task.
Try the stop-start technique
There are several versions of this (and many in-depth guides online) but it basically breaks down into the following steps.
Step one: During a solo sex session, bring yourself to the brink then stop four times before finally allowing yourself to orgasm. Continue this training for several weeks until you feel you know the point you can bring yourself to without letting go.
Step two: this time she joins you and uses her hand, with you telling her when to start and stop.
Step three: You repeat the initial exercise but inside her.
The secret to getting the ‘stop-start’ right is to focus on pleasure and sensation, rather than trying to distract yourself.