It’s common to think of low sex drive people as the ones with the ‘problem’. But if your partner doesn’t want to have sex with you and you’re desperate for it, the problem is very much shared.
Being rejected is never fun but being sexually rejected feels personal.
Because sex to high desire people is an extraordinary experience, you don’t quite believe anyone wouldn’t want to do it.
Not able to understand the reason why sex wouldn’t be top of your partner’s Thing I’d Most Like to Do Today (Now/This Second), lots secretly believe their partner does want sex – just not with them.
Which makes you feel unattractive, undesirable and not wanted when your partner says no.
My first piece of advice to lusty lovers is always this: don’t take rejection personally.
If your partner’s libido is naturally low, it doesn’t mean they don’t find you attractive, it’s that they don’t find sex that attractive.
This is recommended for both high and low libido people for a reason: masturbating helps to increase desire but also takes the edge off if you’re about to climb the walls.
See it from their side
Try to imagine what it would be like if you didn’t enjoy being touched, masturbating or having sex with your partner.
Desire is an effortless, magical thing to the highly sexed. Low desire people really have to work at it.
Up the amount of non-sexual contact
Kiss, hug and touch your partner as much as possible but first agree on a signal which clearly says, ‘This gesture is romantic, not sexual’. It might be you agree to certain ‘sex-free’ days or periods of the day.
One of the main problems of mismatched libidos is affection misinterpretation. You’re too scared to touch them because when you do you’re accused of harassing, they’re too scared to touch you in case you take it as an invitation for sex.
The result – no touching – drives you even further apart.
Make sure your technique is as good as it can be
Ineffective sexual technique – particularly for women – is one big reason why they aren’t interested in sex with their partner.
If you never have an orgasm, why would you want to have sex regularly?
Become their idea of a great lover, not yours
Even if your technique is expert, it’s not going to matter if you’re trying to turn the sex session into your idea of great sex rather than theirs.
Your sexual nirvana may be their idea of hell.
The more they enjoy sex with you, the more they’ll want to do it. It’s in your interest to appeal to their way of thinking, not yours.
Don’t be a sex pest
The best option of all, while you’re trying out all these options, is to avoid initiating sex at all. Leave your partner to explore their various options, minus any pressure to perform, and let reverse psychology do its stuff.
If it’s up to them to initiate, suddenly they’re in the sexy power position.
Don’t sulk when they refuse sex
If you initiate and it’s obvious they’re not interested in following through, be gracious about it. Don’t get all huffy, give them the silent treatment or a hard time.
Just because you feel like sex at that moment, doesn’t mean they have to. You’re not interlinked computer systems, you are human beings!
It’s perfectly acceptable to want to masturbate if you’re aroused and your partner isn’t interested in stimulating you.
You could do it in front of them – they might be happy to indulge you with non-participatory sex (you masturbate while they watch) – but some find it just increases the guilt.
Talk it through with your partner. Where can you go to pleasure yourself without upsetting them?
When they do agree to sex, pay attention
What time of day is it? What had they been doing before? Who/how was it suggested? Are you doing anything differently? Try to pinpoint reasons why they were keen that time but not others. You can then time your advances for when they’re most likely to be welcomed.
Make sure it’s sex you’re hungry for
Don’t use sex as a replacement for intimacy, affection, sleep or as a stress reduction device.
Agree to let your partner take the exit route.
If your partner agrees to give it a try to see if they can become aroused, let them exit if they want to. If they know they can stop at any stage, they’ll be more likely to give it a go. If they do stop before you’re ready, take matters into your own hands and have an orgasm solo.
Don’t take more than you need
Don’t demand a smorgasbord of sexual delights when a snack would take away the hunger pains.
Don’t confuse being loved, with being lusted after
Just because their tongue’s not hanging out just by looking at you, doesn’t mean they love or fancy you less than you do them. Your sexual response system works differently, that’s all.
Learn to love quickies
All sex sessions don’t have to be marathons. Use loads of personal lubricant and make the most of whatever time you do have.