Today’s couples have it easy.
In the (very, very) old days, if your partner lived miles away, your only communication was by letter (yup) and a carefully timed phone call, fuelled by a stack of change.
They cost a fortune, so were limited to about one 10 minute call once a week.
These days, you can not only talk all day long, if you feel like it, it’s free.
And – here’s the bumper bonus – you can see each other!
Even so, keeping a relationship going along happily is hard enough when you live together, let alone being apart most of the time.
The good news is, when it comes to sex, there’s tons of ways to keep the passion alive long-distance.
They sound like a cross between a Tellytubbie and a dildo but are about to be your best friends.
Teledildonic toys can all be controlled remotely via an app, so you don’t need to be in the same room to sexually stimulate each other. Try We-Vibe’s Sync or Fuse for starters. (You’ll find tons if you search ‘toys for long-distance lovers’).
Even if your sex toys aren’t teledildonic, using a vibrator is how lots of women orgasm. Why wouldn’t you use it to arouse yourself while having a hot mutual masturbation session with your lover?
Watching your partner with a toy adds another dimension and variety. He can use a ‘stroker’ (masturbatory sleeve) to make it seem like it’s your hand gripping him.
There are also couple’s apps that help couples stay connected long-distance (try Happy Couple).
No-one loves these apps more than long-distance lovers.
Being able to see each other and read each other’s body language helps immeasurably. It’s so easy to take texts or emails the wrong way and miss the twinkle in an eye or a smile playing on someone’s lips that lets you know it’s a joke.
But that’s not the only obvious plus of facetime – you also get to watch your partner naked! Doing things to their naked body! (Couples of old, who’d been separated for months or years, would sell an organ for that.)
Take full advantage. Get them to pretend you aren’t watching. Tease each other. Instruct your partner to do what you’d like to be there doing, to themselves.
But (there’s always a but with me, isn’t there!) remember that while some people love being watched and admired, others feel self-conscious, silly or have body image issues.
Don’t force your partner into doing anything they aren’t comfortable with. There are plenty of less in-your-face alternatives…
An alternative for people who might be too embarrassed to have ‘live’ sex on camera, is to send a video.
Obviously (or at least I hope obviously) only do this with people you know extremely well and trust implicitly.
If you’re worried it will be seen by people you don’t want to, don’t do it. Or film parts of yourself rather than include your face (or any other parts that identify you).
If you don’t want to send a video, send a recording of your voice, saying things you’re going to do to them next time you’re together in the flesh.
If you don’t want to be on camera at all, how about this?
Film a solo sex session in semi-darkness: not being able to see all the action, just hear you moan, makes it more erotic, not less.
Most long-distance lovers spend more time sexting each other than breathing.
This is a good thing.
Sext each other whenever you’re thinking of each other and feeling aroused. Sext each other to have a hot text masturbatory session. Sext under the table as you’re passing the sprouts to your Aunt Betty at Sunday lunch.
Here’s one thing you shouldn’t do though: don’t get all huffy if your partner doesn’t sext back immediately. Don’t get paranoid or annoyed if they’re half-hearted about it, either – or turn it into a normal text conversation.
Just as it is when you live in the same place, you’re not always going to be in the same mood or feel like sex at the same time.
If you’re in different time zones, it’s even harder. It’s their evening and they’ve come back after a million drinks and feel soppy/horny; you’re getting ready for work and running late.
It’s not easy coordinating moods when it’s different times of the day.
At last! Sex in the flesh!
When you do finally get together after ages apart, there’s an assumption that you’ll spend the entire time having sex. With high– and I mean high – expectations of what it will be like.
The pressure is on!
If you both want to tumble into bed the second the front door shuts, go for it. But if you feel a bit self-conscious or awkward, spend some time together first out of bed.
You have to connect emotionally to be good sexually together; you need time just hanging out when you’ve been apart. Has he/she changed? Do they still feel the same way? Have they fallen for someone else? Do they still fancy me? All these questions and a billion more are racing around your brains.
Talk, reassure each other, connect again. Have sex when you feel ready. Your relationship is important, too.
Leave bits of you behind
Your knickers/boxers in the bed, a bra hanging on the bathroom door, a sexy note in the fridge, spritz the bed and sofa with your perfume.
That feeling of arriving home to an empty house is awful. A little ‘I was actually here’ reminder is just what’s needed!