Another day with your Christmas-padded bottoms glued to the sofa watching box sets? How about trading that for some all-day sex play!
The idea behind this plan isn’t actually to ensure you never go back to work again or turn you into slightly deranged sex addicts people cross the street to avoid.
It’s to get you out of the habit of thinking of sex and foreplay as something you do when together, at home, in bed, at 10.24pm on a Friday night. (Sadly, the average time most couples have sex.)
Just as most people don’t actually meet the love of their lives while in a bar, G&T in hand and body poured into a LBD, sex doesn’t always have to take place at home on weekend nights.
It’s entirely possible to think about sex and nurture your sex life at any time of the day, not just while you’re together – as you’ll see!
‘Femoral intercourse’ is a rather handy solution to the sleepy female/awake and horny male syndrome. Originally used as a method of birth control and to preserve virginity, it involves him thrusting his penis between your closed thighs instead of inside your vagina. It’s a gentle, non-invasive way to have sex and keeps both of you satisfied! If he places his penis near the top of your thighs so it slides in between your vaginal lips to stimulate the clitoris, sleepy female can rapidly turn into WIDE awake horny female!
Kiss goodbye as one of you heads out to run some errands/visit their mother/see some friends (and to buy some essentials for the day!). The idea is to have you both separated for a few hours. But none of that air-kiss rubbish for the kiss goodbye! I mean a good, thorough, deep delicious snog to end all snogs. After you’ve spent several moments exploring each other’s mouths, slide south, pull down their zipper/pull up their skirt and spend two minutes giving slow, exquisite oral sex before zipping them up again and pushing them out the front door. Get out of the mindset that all sex sessions have to have a beginning, middle and end.
Whoever stays home books a restaurant for dinner. The only proviso is that it has tables with long tablecloths or discreet corners you can tuck and hide away in. Now, it’s your turn to do some serious thinking about sex…
Write an erotic note describing how hot your last great sex session was and how excited you are by what he/she does to you. Put it somewhere they’ll find when they get back.
Meanwhile, text your partner one sentence of a fantasy while they’re out and get them to text back the next line. Keep going back and forth until you’ve finished the fantasy. If you want to suggest trying something new but aren’t sure how your partner will feel, making it part of the fantasy is a good testing ground. If they like the idea (She grabbed her discarded stockings and quickly bound him to the bed’), they’ll continue the theme (‘She tightened the knots around his wrists, sat back and gave a wicked grin. ‘Now you’re totally in my power’) If they don’t, you’ll find they’ll quickly move onto another scenario (‘But he broke free. ‘I can’t bear not being able to touch you’, he said). Like, forget it.
Make a list of the 10 favourite things your partner does to you. You can be a bit sneaky with this one and make it instructional. ‘I love it when you reach up to play with my breasts when you’re giving me oral sex’, might refer to the one, solitary time he did that. But he’ll certainly get the hint to do it a lot more in the future! Your partner can do the same once they’re back and settled.
If you’re the person out doing errands, take a detour to buy some gourmet goodies you can eat with your fingers, along with a treat like chocolates. A bottle of champagne is also on your list. This isn’t the day for M&S sandwiches. Pop into a newsagent to buy a calendar. Once you’re back, you’re both going to scribble a selection of sexual treats on various dates when you plan to deliver. ‘Hi honey I’m home’ takes on a whole new flavour with this sexy twist!
You walk back in the door, laden with sexy surprises. In the meantime, your partner has run a bubble bath. Pour a glass of champagne each and climb into a bubble bath together. You’re not there for hours but you are there long enough to finish your drink and admire glimpses of each other’s naked bodies under the water. The idea is to get into the habit of doing sensual things together, as well as sexual. While you’re in the bath, whoever stayed home shares the lists they made while the other was out. You can replace the spontaneity that disappears in long-term relationships with anticipation of what’s in store.
Get ready to go out, pulling on your sexiest underwear and wearing clothes you know the other adores on you – and that you feel sexy in. Don’t just pull them on, be aware of your partner watching you get dressed. Take your time and preen for each other.
Once you’re both glammed up and looking gorgeous, separately make a list of 10 new things you’d like to try over the next three months before you head out. Then write down what you need to do to turn them into reality. If you’ve written ‘spanking’, you might need to buy a whip or paddle or read up on the topic. If you’re going to try anal sex, you not only need lube, you need to educate yourself on how to do it safely. When you’ve finished the lists, swap to make sure each of you approve. Even better, rate how interested you are in each other’s ideas by putting a score out of 10 on each one.
Go online and buy one item from each of your lists that you need to turn the wish list into a reality. You should both now be not just nicely titillated but ready to cancel dinner and stay in bed all night instead. Resist the urge.
Instead of going straight to the restaurant, divert to a bar or place you’ve never been before for a pre-dinner drink. New surroundings help to keep your senses stimulated and give you something new to talk about. People watch and talk about how much sexier and in love you both are compared to all those other couples!
Time for dinner – and this is where a floaty dress/no knicker ensemble comes into its own. He starts by innocently putting one hand on her thigh, under the table, she inches forward to make it possible for him to slide his hand up, until he’s stimulating her with his fingers. Both continue to chat casually and no one need ever know he’s actually bringing her to orgasm under the table. Some people are so good at this they can have a conversation with the waiter without stopping!
Feed each other dessert. Give so much tongue action the people at the next table are elbowing each other or blushing.
Call an Uber and make out in the back. Once you’re in the front door, (check the kids are safely in bed and the babysitter paid and dispensed with), then rip off your clothes like they’re suddenly soaked in battery acid and have intercourse across a table/on the floor/against a wall. Make sure it’s a position you haven’t tried before or in a place you’ve never done it. All that foreplay and sex is over in four minutes? This is exactly what I wanted to happen. Sex isn’t