"I love my boyfriend but he doesn't want to have sex with me. What can I do?"
I have a bit of an unusual problem. My boyfriend of two years has never wanted to sleep with me. We are really in love and he is adamant that he doesn't have any sort of problem like impotence.
We sleep in the same bed almost every night, and it's humiliating and it's ruining my self esteem. He says it's because he hasn't got things 'sorted' yet.
He is working two jobs and trying to build up his own business in stocks and shares, so I know he is quite stressed.
I love him and don't want to cheat on him and have tried explaining that I have needs, but he doesn't ever give in. It's been two years! Please help!
It certainly is an unusual situation! I'm guessing though that this has little to do with sex and a lot to do with him needing to feel in control, being a perfectionist and fear of failure.
It's like he has to have every single thing perfectly in place before he can risk taking this final step toward intimacy. I'm guessing he isn't masturbating either.
To have such an extreme need for control to over-ride something as strong as the urge for sex, and to disregard your feelings when it clearly upsets you, suggests to me that something quite traumatic has happened in his past.
It could be something that happened in his childhood or it might be an ex-lover who ridiculed him or made him feel not good enough sexually.
The fact he's working two jobs and is clearly very ambitious suggests to me that he's desperately trying to prove something to himself and to you.
What's also clear is that he's finding it difficult to open up. I actually think he needs some therapy but whether he'll get help is another thing.
Try to get him to talk about his childhood, parents and other significant relationships and see if any alarm bells ring if you probe a little.
You might then be able to suggest he contacts an organisation like relate.org.uk or similar.