• "My husband of three years won't give me oral sex any more. What can I do?"


    My husband of three years and I have different sex drives. We are both in our early 20s and when we first got married we had sex 4-5 times a week. Now I'm lucky to get it once every 3-4 weeks.

    He also used to give me oral sex fairly often, and now on the rare occasion we do have sex he won't, but expects me to give him to him. I have refused because I think it's unfair.

    When I ask him why he doesn't give me oral sex anymore he says he just doesn't feel like it and I can't get him to expand on it much more than that.

    How do I get him to want sex more without pressuring him too much and how do I get him to give me oral sex again?


    It's normal for the frequency of sex to fall when a couple get married but that's one hell of a decline! Coupled with his sudden refusal to give you oral sex, it's even more alarming.

    I think this is much more than just a sex problem. How is the rest of your relationship? If he's being so selfish and uncompromising in this area, I suspect he's doing it outside the bedroom as well. Is he angry with you or resentful about something else that's happened?

    It sounds as though he is withholding sex, and particularly sex that you like, namely oral - as some sort of punishment. I'd suggest you wait until you're getting on well and then have it out with him.

    Tell him you love him and used to enjoy your sex immensely and you don't understand what's happening. Present it as a problem you have as a couple, rather than something that's his fault. If he isn't interested in talking then, couples counselling is really the only way forward.

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    Comments (6)

    • Jackie: June 05, 2009 06:32
      Try something different..by that and by that I mean do not ask for it. Get him to intimidate you by touching your thighs and possibly licking them and then push his head farther between your legs. This shows that you have urges and that you also want them met. It will blow his mind, especially if you have never done it before in a forceful way.
    • A C: June 05, 2009 09:19
      Find a new bloke. After 18 years of marriage my sex life reduced to three or four times a week!
      Now divorced, my gf and I usually manage 2-3 times a night, but we've only been together five months.
    • Stuart: June 05, 2009 11:07
      A couple of tips from a male perspective – personally i LOVE giving oral, i can lick away down there for hours. However, a couple of things you may want to try...

      1) Now that I've had a "taste" of neatly waxed private areas a "natural" is nothing like as attractive or apealling and sometimes even off-putting. Try and surprise him with a new Brazilian or Playboy but, if it's a first time, I'd advise against a full Hollywood until you see how he takes to it.

      2) Sometimes it's hard for a person to notice their own "odour" or even "flavour". If it's the case that either of these is a bit strong he may find it a very difficult thing to tell you. Especially if he loves you! Be sure to be very clean beforehand and there are feminine hygiene products available. Or you could try flavoured lubes that are available on LoveHoney.

      3) What would do it for me is a combination of the above – don some sexy underwear, apply Durex Play Very Cherry Lubricant (available on LoveHoney) to him and give him the best oral he's had. Then reveal your new Brazilian to him and apply some of the lube to yourself inviting him to return the favour.

      4) Another thing you could try is, while giving him oral, position yourself lying alongside him so that he has easy access to you and you're in a position to allow a 69, without just jumping on his face!

      If you're still both in your early twenties you should be making the most of it and getting a LOT of sex! Things calm down in later life!

      Good luck!

    • Becca: June 06, 2009 12:50
      I'd reccomend communication; if it is something as simple as keeping down below clean (note this does NOT necessarily mean heavy waxing or shaving anymore than guys keeping their bits clean involves circumcision) then the solution is realtivly easy, such as keeping wet wipes to hand, washing daily, even making sure you eat natural foods, such as fruits alot.

      However it doesn't seem as if it is such a simple issue, if he is almost withholding sex and when you do he wants it all his own way then there is more to the issue than the 'sex' issues, try talking when things are relativly calm between you both and seeing where things go from there.

      Oh and one more point aimed mainly to stuart ... natural gals can keep it as clean and appealing as unnaturals ;) and to many guys are a bigger turn on than the waxed or even nude look.

    • Stuart: June 06, 2009 15:46
      I agree, communication has to be the first thing you try but he already seems to be disinclined to talk about it in which case you may want to consider some of the points I raised previously.

      As with all contributors on here I do not claim to be a relationship counsellor, doctor or sex expert but have merely tried to add some points of "possible consideration". Of course they can be implemented or discarded as is seen fit which is why I labelled them as tips. Every individual and indeed couple has and have their own preferences and tastes and some suggestions may not appeal but, I felt a male perspective on this might be welcomed as it's a male being discussed.

      I've reread my earlier post and (this aimed mainly at Becca) I'm pretty sure I never suggested that "natural gals" are less hygienic than "unnaturals" ;)

    • ac: June 07, 2009 13:23
      Perhaps my previous post sounded flippant, if not downright arrogant, but I am 60 yrs 'young', my girlfriend is 25, and I've had two long term marriages totalling over 32 years in all. Sex is very important to me and my partner. I just cannot believe that a twenty something could 'go off' sex so quickly, irrespective of hair 'down there'! I suspect a more fundamental problem here and since he seems to enjoy receiving oral but not giving could he be - excuse me for asking - gay?
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