• "I have been having an affair with my first love but I love my husband. What should I do?"


    I have been having an affair with my first love for over 18 months. We are both married and neither of us have had lots of partners so it's not typical behaviour for us.

    We met again after 20 years and boom head over heels - well, lust mainly - but it feels like love at times. We clearly have a deep bond and in spite of attempts to stop seeing each other we don't seem to be able to.

    We're in constant touch, ranging from everyday chatter to text sex, meeting when we can. We've become very supportive of each other which also feels comforting. That said I have a fabulous husband and a lovely sex life with him. So - what is this do you think? A sex addiction?


    No it's not sex addiction, it's wanting to have your cake and eat it too. And that fabulous husband of yours won't be yours for too much longer if this continues. You will get found out and then what do you have?

    Your first love might not be quite so comforting when he realises you might want more than just sex on the side. And you'll be left alone: having risked a great marriage with great sex to a great bloke for a bit of excitement.

    First loves always have a special place in our heart because they were the ones we 'learnt' love and sex from. It's very common to feel a unique bond if you do happen to meet up years later, but most of us, rather sensibly recognise it for what it is and leave it at that.

    When you married your husband you made a promise to not share your body or be emotionally intimate with another man in a sexual or romantic sense. You are betraying him. This isn't some innocent liaison - it's lasted 18 months! If you have any sense of respect for either your partner, yourself or your first love's partner, you will stop this now.

    It's easy to do it, just break all contact. You can't blame it on addiction: it's motivated by purely selfish reasons. You want both of them and instead of living up to promises made, you're indulging yourself. You can wait for everything to fall apart or start behaving like a decent human being now and finish it.

    Fix your love life fast

    Comments (2)

    • Lubyanka: July 27, 2009 09:44
      I agree that lying and deceit won't ever be helpful to any relationship, but have you considered responsible relationship models other than monogamy? Ethical non-monogamy can be conducted honestly. If you feel limited by the social pressures to be with and love only one person, then you might want to consider polyamory.
      Polyamory is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and willing consent of everyone involved.
      If not polyamory specifically, some form of non-monogamy might be for you. Check out The Ethical Slut for more information. Monogamy isn't the only game in town anymore.
      Good luck. :)
    • hubby: August 02, 2009 19:35
      From one sense it may keep your marriages together. If you are not getting what you want, then it may prolong two relationships that have festered.

      The usual problem with affairs is that one partner wants more, and that might mean the end of two marriages.

      In terms of deceipt - dont all marriages come to that - in the end. Strangers who ignore each other in the bedroom and else where. We seem to have been brainwashed that we should stay in relationships, however if they dont give us love, sex, etc, then should be go through the messy divorces.

      Maybe you would be better, Affrairs can work.

      However worst case - would you prepard for the fallout if it all came out?

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