• "I only fall for guys who either have partners or who are married. Why is this?"


    I've only had a couple of short relationships but didn’t feel a real connection to any of these guys. I have however noticed a pattern: I fall for guys who either have partners or who are married.

    I would never act on these feelings but it's driving me crazy as I wonder if I will ever feel the same intensity of feelings for a man who is available and who has feelings for me.


    Falling in love with one person who’s married could just be bad luck, bad timing and bad judgment. But if you’ve had more than one affair with a married lover, you’re deliberately picking them for a number of reasons.

    Top of the list is self-esteem. It’s a boost to the ego to be able to lure a married person away from someone they supposedly love. You must be special if they’re in your bed. If you rapidly lose interest the minute your married partner does decide to leave their spouse, it’s definitely a self-esteem problem.

    You don’t want them, you want a person who is attached to someone else. It’s a power game that’s over when you’re the official winner: you could have them if you wanted to. Another common influence: your childhood.

    If one or both parents abandoned you – they split, died or seemed to forget you were there – you’re repeating the pattern by finding adults who can’t be there for you either.

    A married lover who’s always running away from you – home to a spouse – feels nicely familiar. Similarly, if your parents put you down or criticized you, the message you got was, ‘I don’t deserve to be loved’.

    Sharing a partner with someone else – and getting the bum end of the deal – is all you think you deserve. A third possibility is you’re scared of intimacy. People who’ve been physically or emotionally abused by their parents or betrayed by past lovers, often end up chasing married people.

    If you’ve decided – consciously or unconsciously – not to let someone get close to you in case you get hurt again, married people seem a great option. You’ve got an in-built excuse for not committing – they already have, to someone else – and the rejection factor is also lower.

    If they don’t choose to continue the affair, it’s not you they’re rejecting. They’re simply doing the ‘right thing’ by their spouse.

    The next time you’re attracted to a married person, think, It’s not them I want, I’m really looking for – if you can’t fill in the blank and pinpoint a reason, ask close friends, they’re often more astute than you realise.

    You’ve all drawn blanks? Consider getting therapy. A few sessions with a no-nonsense counsellor could uncover what you’re really trying to get from these relationships.

    Fix your love life fast

    Comments (2)

    • lesley: May 04, 2010 20:52
      Well done tracey cox, Ive always been like that and was put down emotianally as a child and teenager by one of my parents (prefer not to say which one) I m middle aged now but always always fall for married or attached men. Would never go out with one, though as its just wrong!!! Annoying when it keeps happening.
    • Jo: June 13, 2010 20:34
      Great reply Tracy!

      I have had several 'relationships' with married or attached men and I'm still trying to work out why I do it. Some of the above is definitely true but I feel there is more to it than that. I really hope one day I manage to work it out as the prospect of spending the rest of my life chasing unsuitable people is hardly appealing :(

      To the person who originally posted the question - good luck, and I truly hope you manage to break the negative pattern.

      Jo x

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