"My wife has gone off sex so I presented her with a vibe - but she called me a perv. What can I do?"
My wife and I have been married for five years and together for 10. Recently, she has completely gone off sex, even to the point of snapping at me if I raise the subject.
We took a short break together a couple of weeks ago, and as a surprise I bought a G-spot vibe to add a spark to any sex we might possibly have.
But to my shock and surprise, when presented with it, it seemed to turn her off and she called me a perv saying that ‘those things are for girls who are alone without a penis to play with". I’m at a loss of what to do now.
The question you need answers to is why your wife has suddenly gone off sex. What’s changed in her life or your relationship to cause this change? And why won’t she talk about it? You say she snaps at you for bringing up the topic, how, exactly do you raise the subject?
If it’s to complain, I can understand her snapping. But if you’re trying to simply get her to open up and discuss why she suddenly doesn’t want sex, it’s a different story. The trick is to make her feel safe enough to be able to talk about the reasons why sex is not on the agenda anymore, without feeling like she has to justify herself. Does she seem happy with you, apart from in the bedroom, or does the whole relationship seem strained?
Try being generally more loving and affectionate and when you’re getting on well, tell her you love her and are really concerned that she isn’t happy with your sex life. Listen to what she has to say and try hard not to jump in with solutions. Instead, ask her what she thinks would fix the problem. As for her reaction to the G-spot toy - it’s a pretty standard reaction in that situation, to be honest.
Your way of fixing the lack of sex is to make it spicier by introducing a sex toy. If she’s gone off sex because she’s bored, that might well have worked. But if she’s gone off sex because of other reasons - like maybe being angry at you for something or feeling unloved or under-appreciated - presenting her with a sex toy would make things worse.
I suspect her first thought was ‘How the hell is a vibrator going to fix anything?’ Instead of seeing it as a genuine effort on your part to fix things, she took as further proof that you really don’t understand her reasons for not wanting to have sex with you.
Her attitude to the gift - saying you’re a ‘pervert’ for wanting her to use it and that it was only for girls who don’t have a man - hints at a conservative attitude to sex, rather than an adventurous one.
Lots of women feel threatened when their partners suggest something new because they feel they should be enough. Or they think it means you think the sex you have been having isn’t exciting enough. It’s such a delicate area because people have very set expectations and most of us are vulnerable to any criticism of our performance in the bedroom.
As always, the solution here is to talk and listen, getting her to open up with concern and love rather than confrontation.