• "My boyfriend and I briefly split and I slept with someone else. Should he now do the same?"


    My boyfriend and I have been out twice, both for two and a half years over a seven year period. We split up in between that and are now in our early twenties.

    During the split, I slept with another person but he didn't. We’re happily back together but the fact that I slept with someone else and he didn’t bothers him.

    Now he’s wondering if him sleeping with someone else would stop him feeling inadequate because I’m the only person he’s ever been with.

    He wants to be with me, but this is getting in the way. Do you think that him having sex with someone else would help our situation?


    In theory, it’s a fabulous idea! In theory, he’d have a one-nighter with some hapless girl (who would wonder why he didn’t call after doing the deed), feel like the score had been settled, have his ego restored, realise he’s not missing out on anything and you’d both live happily ever after.

    In reality, this is far more likely to happen: He’ll go out on the pull, you get to stay at home wondering what on earth is happening and feeling jealous and miserable. If he’s lucky, he scores and sleeps with someone and then?

    Either it’s awful and he comes scurrying back but feeling even less ‘manly’ or it’s great and he gets a taste for being single or decides he’d quite like a repeat session with the same girl.

    This is one of those situations that you either deal with as things are or break up for good. Relationships aren’t tit for tat: what you both got up to in the break should be your business.

    You weren’t together and weren’t to know you’d get back together. It’s unimportant. What’s important is what you both did while you were together, both times. Him sleeping with another person will not make him feel any more adequate and he could lose you in the process.

    You need to look at why he feels inadequate: did you boast about it or make him feel it was so good, he needs to try it? If you did, try talking about it with a negative spin. Tell him it wasn’t even remotely as good as sex with him because you didn’t love this other man. Then he needs to let it go.

    Fix your love life fast

    Comments (3)

    • Alastair Smith: July 14, 2010 09:44
      Have you solved the problem that caused the split or got back together because it feels safe? If you can't reassure your boyfriend, his sleeping with someone else to even the score will not work. He either accepts the "on a break " defence or you both call it a day and move on. Separately.
    • Suzie: July 14, 2010 18:57
      To be honest, he needs to remember that, after sleeping with this other guy (and having the option of sleeping with either him or any of the other random willing guys out there) you chose to go back to him. Even if the sex with that other guy was brilliant, it's better with him: he won!

      But sleeping with someone else now won't make things even. Even with your permission, he'd be cheating on you, whereas you were single and slept with someone, and that's never going to feel equal. If you'd been with more people than him when ye met, would he feel the urge to go balance the books while ye were together? I'd guess not, and that's essentially what he would be doing.

    • Greg: July 24, 2010 09:35
      Who initiated the split?
      If he initiated it then hes got to live with the fact that he let you have another romance.
      On the otherhand if you (the girl) caused the split then the chap could legitimately break from you to chase the chance of sex.

      My guess is he sort of still wanted you but you were ready to move on, therefore he should break it up enjoy being single & wait to meet a girl later in his life.

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