• "I want to indulge in a long-term fantasy but my partner is horrified at the idea. Am I insane?"


    I have a good, adventurous sex life with my partner of seven years but I have one fantasy I long to indulge. It stems from a meeting I had with an old school friend I hadn’t seen for years. We were talking about marriage and how to keep it exciting and she told me she and her husband sometimes go to Amsterdam, window shop for a girl, then pay her to watch while they make love in front of her.

    She said it kept their sex life alive and because there was a ‘just watch, don’t touch’ policy, they didn’t have problems with jealousy or any safe sex issues. I thought it was a brilliant idea but when I went home and told my partner, he was horrified and said it must mean they don’t love each other.

    That was several years ago but I keep thinking about it. I want to ask my partner if he’d be up for trying it but I get the feeling he would take it to mean I didn’t love him. In my fantasy, I’d watch my partner go down on the girl, though that’s as far as it would go and I don’t want her to touch me.

    Am I insane for wanting to take this through to reality? And how can I put it to my partner so he’ll either agree or at least not condemn me for it? I feel so strange about this. Help!


    At the risk of stating the obvious, you have already put it to your partner and been given the red light not to proceed. You told him - no doubt with enthusiasm - about your old schoolmate’s ‘secret’ to long-lasting sizzling sex and his response was horror, not interest. It was a safe way of testing his feelings about taking it further and you already have the answer to the question you’re posing.

    The real issue here isn’t how to talk him into it, it’s whether you can happily live without this particular fantasy being fulfilled. I do agree that in terms of fantasies involving sex with other people, this is one of the safer options. Paying a sex worker is usually far less emotionally dangerous than roping in a friend (if it all goes horribly wrong, it’s easier to move on if you never see the third person again).

    Paying someone to watch, rather than participate, does solve the safe sex and (some of the) jealousy issues (unless of course, you did want to follow through with the ‘him giving her oral sex’ part - which puts a different spin on things. If he’s not up for pure exhibitionism, I very much doubt he’ll be into indulging you as the voyeur and him having to perform for you).

    You say your sex life is already adventurous, is there not perhaps a less threatening fantasy you could suggest to satisfy your need for variety and his need for monogamy? I know you don’t see it as cheating but his comment suggests he sees loving sex as something that’s done in private and kept purely between the two people involved. You can’t condemn him for that, just as you shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to experiment.

    Why not try a safer option and suggest you role-play the fantasy or watch porn with a similar theme. If he enjoys that, the next step might be to suggest calling a sex worker and putting her on loud speaker while you both have sex, giving her a running commentary of what’s going on. It’s less intrusive because she’ll remain anonymous and it might be a good middle ground that keeps both of you happy.

    Tracey Cox Dare - What Happens When Fantasies Come True

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