"Why is the whole 'him being too keen' thing such a turn off for me?"
I met a fantastic looking man at a party and went out with him last weekend. Before the date, I was both excited and nervous about how the night would go. It went really well but he was so keen and so nice, I’ve now lost interest. I don’t really understand why but it’s happened to me before. Why is the whole ‘too keen’ thing such a turn off for me?
It’s not just you who responds negatively to what is essentially positive feedback – and there are lots of reasons why! Sometimes, it’s simply because we always want what we can't have. If you had to step over a pile of diamonds every time you walked out your front door, they'd cease to be precious.
It can also be linked to low self-esteem. You don’t say how old you are, but I’m guessing you’re in your early 20s? Younger women are far more likely to dismiss men as 'too nice' or 'too keen' than women post 30 – often because they subconsciously don’t feel good enough to be treated well. Our 20s and early 30s can be a bit of struggle: we’re still defining ourselves and responding to every good or bad experience in a knee-jerk fashion. One guy flirts with us and we think we’re great, another guy doesn’t call and we slide down our perceived scale of attractiveness. Bad boys are often more appealing if you secretly don't feel worthy of all the attention nice guys pay you. Once you hit your 30s, you’ve got a sturdier sense of self and see nice guys for what they are – nice! – and appreciate them.
What was your childhood like? Usually we'll recreate what feels familiar to us as a child, even if it's unhealthy. If your father was away a lot or didn't make you feel loved or important, you’ll be put off by a man who makes you feel both needed and wanted because it doesn’t feel ‘right’.
It has to be said though, there’s a big difference between being keen and being needy. If someone's way too keen too early, it smacks of the latter. It doesn't make us feel special because how can they think we’re so fabulous when they don’t know the real us yet? We (rightly) suspect the guy’s keen to get himself a girlfriend (or sex) rather than genuinely bowled over by us as an individual. If he’s hot – like the guy you dated – it makes us doubly suspicious. There must be a flaw if someone so 'perfect' is so keen, so soon? Why isn’t he beating women off with sticks and playing it cool? Instead of looking through rose-coloured glasses, we pull out the magnifying glass and search for hidden faults.