• "How can I lure him back to bed?"


    My partner of three years has slowly but surely gone off sex. At the start, we were both quite daring. We’d have sex in other rooms of the flat and he loved it when I used to pleasure him. But now he doesn’t seem that interested in sex and all the things that used to work (certain underwear, lots of kissing) don’t have an effect any more.

    We’re both still young (early 30s) and I’ve never heard of men going off sex, especially not at our age. Do you think he doesn’t love me anymore or something is physically wrong with him? Now when I try to get him in the mood, he makes excuses of having to work and disappears into his office.


    Hmmm. Does he keep his laptop in his office and close the door? I’m guessing while you’re not getting any action, his computer might be. Unless you’ve omitted to tell me other obvious pertinent details (like his new ‘best friend’ who’s blonde, leggy and big-breasted), I’m guessing his lack of sex drive has nothing to do with a dire medical condition or lack of love for you. He’s simply bored rigid. (Or not, as the case may be.) The clue is in your rather sweet description of what constitutes ‘daring’ sex - sex outside the bedroom and you giving him oral. Both are fairly common, routine sexual practises.

    You both sound both conservative and perhaps a little inexperienced which means your entire sexual repertoire was used up fairly early on. Then you both just kept on doing what worked in the beginning. Over and over and over again. The trouble with doing the same thing to each other continually is that you eventually become desensitised. You wouldn’t dream of serving up steak and chips every single night for three years and expect him to give an excited cry of ‘Oh goodie! Steak and chips!’ when you put it on the table for the 1095th time. Why do you expect him to be excited about sleeping with you, when he’s been served up the same dish there for the same amount of time?

    Blindfolded, even adventurous lovers could pick their partners three minutes into a sex session. We all have a certain way of kissing and touching, even if we’re trying our best to vary it. The way to liven up his libido is to introduce some spicy new sex that you’ve both never tried before. The easiest way to transform tired techniques is to buy a good sex book that’s packed with practical techniques as a present for both of you. Say it’s to keep sex fresh, rather than to get him interested again. (It’s a subtle difference but important: one implies curiosity, the other blame.) Go through it together and earmark any techniques you’d like to try on each other. Choosing something that you’d like to do to your partner, rather than what you want done to yourself, puts a different spin on it. It also avoids those inevitable ‘But I thought you loved the way I give you oral!’ moments.

    With a bit of much needed variety, I suspect you’ll soon find that pressing late night ‘work’ commitment stops happening and he’s jumping into bed as eagerly as he was at the start.

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    Comments (3)

    • Ramona: June 24, 2013 11:36
      Dear Tracy,
      I don't know where else to write you so I'm trying here.
      I'm in a relationship for more than 3 years and we live together since 7 moths. We had a long distance relationship we used to meet 2 times in a month and we had sexs every time, since we moved in things are slowly changing, at the beginning everything was ok but sice few months sexs is gone.. in 4 months we had sexs only 4 times.. I tried to talk about it but he gets angry, saiyng that there is no problem going on. I tried to spice it up, but he stops me, every time I try to approach him he stops me with ''what are you doing?'' ''I'm not in the mood'' I understand the story of the same dish for long time I try my best to change it but he doesn't allow me to improve.. if I talk about it he doesn't want to listen, getting also very angry. I love him very much, and I want to have a normal sex life but I don't know how. The idea of using a book will not work as he will consider it wierd..or a strange request (it already happend when I tryied to talk of one of those friendly vibrator).. I hope to get an advice.
      thank you very much
    • RMF: August 12, 2013 07:28
      I'm impressed to see how many people are in the same situation I am in. I was in A long distance relationship, North America and South America so we'd see each other every 3 months for 15 days and have sex everyday, we'd talk dirty and kinda have Skype sex sometimes. When we moved in together things have changed, he said it was because of our fights and trust issues but he just didn't want to make love to me any longer, he would avoid it and would not have an erection with me. I found out he was constantly masturbating to porn, he would wait for me to leave the house to do it. Even though he knew I always wanted to make love to him. That hurt me very much I I felt very rejected and left out. He would also lie to me about the porn and I would look into his computer and find out the evidences and he would get very angry saying I was going through his stuff and that he felt violated. Anyways I had to move away for a whole year for a new visa and I went to therapy because I was feeling very hurt and traumatized by it, my self esteem was very low. I'm a pretty girl, I'm 28 now and I've always taken care of myself, I love to look pretty and I used to buy lots of lingeries and costumes like nurse, school girl etc... Our sex life was really great. We love each other deeply, he visited me while i was away and he said he was not gonna lie to me about the porn I asked him not to watch it any longer cause it makes me feel rejected and I said its ok if he does it with me. We were hopeful that things would get better then we moved back in again and we had to get married because of the visa but we only decided that because we love each other and think we can overcome this issue. It's been 3 months that we have been married now and our sex life still sucks, I love him so much and I fancy him but he's not the same and he admired that its emotional I caught him masturbating and I was very upset, we had a big fight because I wish we would have sex, I wish he would feel horny and come to me for sex instead of masturbating. Every time I bring up the subject he gets upset and say he's fine with our sexual life that he doesn't need that much sex. But it's not like I'm a nymphomaniac I just want to make love to my husband 3 times a week and I want him to desire me like he used to. I'm trying to get him to see a therapist so he can figure out what's the emotional issue that makes him not want to make love to me. It's been very difficult. Any advice? I need help because I've been felling depressed because of it, when he rejects me makes me very insecure and also controlling because I want to make sure he's not pleasuring himself behind my back then I hate myself for feeling like this as if I didn't trust him but he lied before and is not the same. If he included me into his masturbation session or something I wouldn't feel left out, I told him but he doesn't want, he says he wants his privacy. I know he likes sex but I don't know where the man I used to have sex with is right now. I need your opinion Tracy. Thank you so much you're the best! I always watch your videos at sex talk on YouTube. Best regards!
    • Stephanie: October 12, 2016 05:13
      Do any of u have an update ?
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