"Why doesn't he want to have sex with me?"
My fiancé doesn’t want to have sex with me. We’re having sex less than once a month and I’m on antidepressants because it upsets me so much. In every other area we are a perfect match but his sex drive is non existent. He insists that he loves me and still fancies me and says he has no idea why he doesn’t want to have sex. We’ve been together for more than four years but are still young (24 and 25). I love him so much but this will split us up. Any advice would be great.
Is it the lack of sex that upsets you or worrying he isn’t attracted to you sexually? Because they are very different things. If you were convinced your fiancé has a naturally low sex drive and it had nothing to do with his feelings for you or your desirability, would you be able to cope with that? Because if this is the case, there’s plenty you can do to even the sexual scales.
Even if he doesn’t feel aroused, there’s nothing to stop him pleasuring you with his hands, mouth or a vibe and there’s lots more he can do to boost his libido and plenty you can do to satisfy yours. (My book ‘supersex’, see below, has lots on how to balance mismatched libidos.) Having said this, if sex and being desired is important to you, this is an area of real concern.
The problem with matching a high sex person with a low sex person is that there’s a higher risk of infidelity. Even if you’re ticking along nicely, content and in love, if your sexual needs aren’t being satisfied you are (obviously) far more likely to be tempted by the hot, flirty guy at your office. Another point to consider is how willing he is to find a solution to this problem. It’s one thing him saying ‘I have a low libido but will do anything to make you happy sexually so let’s find some solutions’. Quite another to say ‘This is me, take it or leave it’. This is a difficult dilemma - love vs sex - and no right or wrong solution but hopefully this will spark some good thinking points for you.