What To Do If He Can't Get An Erection
Let's start by making something very clear: the guy you're sleeping with actually isn't a machine. This means he won't always get an erection when he wants to.
It doesn't mean, contrary to what you might believe, that he: a) doesn't fancy you b) fancies someone else c) thinks you have a big arse or d) has gone off you.
If he's under 40:
Not getting hard nearly always means he's drunk too much, he's stressed about work, his erection was wobbly last time you had sex and it's freaked him out, or this is the first time he's had sex with you and he's petrified he won't be any good and he'll embarrass himself. See, not a mention of cellulite anywhere to be seen!
If he's over 40:
It simply means his penis is ageing, along with the rest of him, and he requires more intense stimulation to get an erection or perhaps an assessment to see if he could benefit from Viagra or another Sildenafil.
(If you think this is the case, don't even think about buying it online without seeing his GP first - unless you want him to risk having a heart attack!)
Understanding the reasons behind why he's not rock-hard and ready to go whenever you are helps immeasurably, because it means you won't have a knee jerk reaction and make the matter far, far worse.
Most impotence problems occur because one or both partners don't realise it's normal not to get an erection each and every time you have sex...
... No matter what his age. You both overreact, making both of you super-nervous the next time around, which results in what's called 'performance anxiety'.
Penises don't like nervy owners. They like stress-free happy ones. So if he's anxious and paranoid about not performing, his penis thinks 'Sod that! Way too tense for me out there!' and simply curls up in his Calvins and has a little kip.
How you respond when he can't get an erection is crucial to how quickly the issue is solved.
Here's my advice on how to deal with it:
- Don't pretend not to notice: That will make it even worse. Talk to him about it. Say, "I know how that feels. Sometimes I feel like sex but don't get wet. Weird isn't it!".
- Talk to his penis: Make light of it. Say, "Poor thing, you're tired!" or "Too much beer, eh?". Keep it light-hearted and have a sense of humour and he's likely to relax, realise it happens and doesn't mean you think any less of him.
- Ask him if he wants you to try to arouse him: If he does, gently stroke it from base to tip or try oral sex or a firm hand-grip, but don't labour the point. If he doesn't become hard in a few minutes, shift to another area - his nipples, his mouth, his testicles and see if that has an effect.
- If it doesn't, say 'This is fabulous! It means I'm the star of the show today!': Let him use his hands and tongue to bring you to orgasm. Masturbate for him. Relax and enjoy yourselves - an erect penis isn't necessary to have a great time in bed together.
- Talk about it afterwards: Let him know you know it's normal and don't think it's a big deal.
- Make your next sex session, a non-intercourse one: The pressure is on, no matter how lovely you've been, so stick to having orgasms via your fingers or mouths. That will give him confidence for the next time.
- If it continues to happen regularly: Pay attention in the mornings to see if he gets spontaneous erections on waking. That's generally a sign everything is OK physically. If not, he might need to visit his GP or get a referral to a urologist who will solve the problem medically. If he seems fine physically but still can't get erect with you, give him time, try to be patient and understanding: the problem generally solves itself over time.