I Can't Orgasm! I've Tried Everything
Q: I have never had an orgasm. I've had a few partners over the years and but none of them ever really cared about making me feel good. My current partner of one year does and we've tried lots of toys, orgasm gels, balms, creams, different condoms, positions, roleplay - all sorts. But still nothing. Am I missing something? Is there some magical solution to help me let go and finally climax? I feel like I'm broken or there's something wrong with me.
A: You need to go back to basics and go solo. The thing about female orgasm is that, because it’s complicated and not automatic, most women discover how to do it by themselves.
The first orgasm for most women is usually had by experimenting with a good quality vibrator (one that has both slow and gentle/fast and firm settings) in the privacy of their bedroom.
Trying to do it with a partner is too fraught with tension. They’re desperate to please you, which makes you desperate to orgasm to please them. The result is you’re anxious and uptight and these aren’t ideal conditions for your body to respond in. The good news is, put in the right environment - on your own and using a vibe and a few tried-and-tested techniques - the likelihood of you having regular solo orgasms is high. Once you know what they feel like and what to do with the vibrator to get one, it’s then a matter of teaching him how to replicate the feeling using his tongue and fingers.
Here’s a good action plan for you to try:
- Lie down on the bed and let your legs fall open naturally.
- Turn on your vibrator and press it firmly against the closed labia (lips of the vagina) and hold it there, varying the pressure and experimenting with different settings.
- Only 15% of women put their vibrators inside them. Instead, use it on the outside.
- You’re aiming to stimulate your clitoris, which is at the top end of your vagina, so hold the vibrator over the mons (the fleshy bit that has the V-shaped piece of hair on it) and press down.
- Lots of women simply press it against the area, rolling it a little from side to side so it works on different parts of the clitoris (which is underneath the closed lips), until they feel a build up of pressure. This means an orgasm is close. You can use your vibe directly on the clitoris (with the lips open), though it may be too sensitive.
- An orgasm is simply the moment when all the blood that rushed to your genitals when stimulated, is released back into your body causing a feeling of euphoria. So you’ll feel a building sensation which can feel like you’re about to pee. Don’t worry, you won’t!
- If you feel scared of the sensation, stop stimulation, then build up to that point and see if you can last a little longer the next time. Hold out for a few minutes and orgasm is likely to happen. Once you know what it feels like and that the ‘I’m about to burst’ sensation is normal, you’ll relax into it and orgasms will become more and more likely!