Anal Sex Prep Guide: Part 4: Troubleshooting
My final blog in the anal sex series talks specifically about any problems or issues you might have with anal play. I’d strongly suggest you also re-read the other three blogs (Part 1: Anatomy, Prep and Protection, Part 2: Fingering and Rimming or Anal Sex Prep Guide: Part 3: Positions and Techniques) for further clues as to what else might be causing problems.
My partner won’t even consider anal play because they think it’s kinky!
It’s not got the best reputation, anal play or anal sex. Guys think it means they’re gay if they enjoy it, plenty of people think it’s unhygienic and very few admit to liking it, even after a few down the pub.
But a little anal play has transformed many a stale sex life simply because it feels entirely different to anything else you’ve experienced sexually. For that reason alone - the intense novelty of it - it’s well worth exploring in some form.
If your partner’s not keen, show them this blog - especially this bit because now I’m talking to anyone who is saying no to anal play without giving it a try.
I get why you’re nervous: it’s usually because of one bad experience when you were young (there is a right and wrong way to have anal play and chances are they/you committed a cardinal sin); or you’re worried about cleanliness (empty your bowel first, use an anal douche, use latex gloves on fingers and have wet wipes handy for the tiny bit of mess that might not even happen) or that it’s going to hurt like hell (it does feel a little uncomfortable to start but it should never be painful) or you’re a paranoid straight guy who’s worried she’ll read it the wrong way (it’s only gay if you do it with another man).
All of these fears and worries are easily overcome.
Read the other three blogs in the anal sex series so you’re informed about all the practical issues and then give it one try. Just one. Even if it’s just letting them insert a pinkie finger or the tip of their tongue. Just to make sure you’re not missing out on anything and to keep your partner happy. If you don’t like it then, fine. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea but at least take a few baby steps to show willing.
There. That should help convince them.
It’s hard to penetrate and it’s really uncomfortable
An obvious reason is you’re not using lube, enough lube or a thick enough lube. Anal play without lube is not just unpleasant, it’s bloody awful! So squeeze that lube and keep adding it along the way.
The second reason it hurts is because you’ve tried to hurry things up. Rather than do your homework (see the other three blogs), you’ve rushed in (literally) and your or their bottom has clenched into one almighty ‘Who the hell goes there!’ protective brick wall.
It’s not just the two sphincter muscles that make entry difficult. The rectum is S-shaped, which is why penetrating it with a finger, toy or penis too quickly or roughly hurts like hell. It needs coaxing and gentle manipulation to move along it.
Coax the sphincters into letting you in by using a finger, then a toy, then bigger objects, over the period of several sex sessions. Hold things still and in place when you first penetrate to allow the muscles to relax around the ‘intruder’.
Also remember it feels most uncomfortable at the entrance. Once the finger/toy/penis gently goes in deeper, it all starts to feel more comfortable.
It could also be the position. Try one where the receiver’s legs and upper body are at a right angle - that will make the canal straighter. Don’t be scared to move around and adjust positions and angles until you figure out what feels best.
Remember also to pull out just as gently as you went in. It’s just as important to exit slowly as it is to enter.
PLEASE don’t use desensitising gels during anal sex (or do loads of coke or poppers), especially the very first time. Pain is a warning you’re being too rough. Incidentally, if anal play or intercourse is painful for you and you seem to be doing everything right, give it a miss. Well done for giving it a go but if there’s pain or bleeding, it’s not for you.
I/they feel crampy afterwards
The same way you can do a ‘fanny fart’ if too much thrusting forces air into the vagina during intercourse, anal intercourse can also produce wind. It’s also not a great idea to do it after a heavy meal, which can cause cramping afterward.
You might feel like you need a poo after, or even during, the first time/s you explore anal. If that happens, stop and go to the loo - you won’t relax otherwise!
What’s a good order to explore anal play?
Fingers: Start with a pinkie inserted a tiny way; progress to the index finger. You could try inserting two fingers after that (hold them together to make one big one).
Rimming: Exploring the area with your tongue. If you’re squeamish or worried about STIs lay a dental dam or cut up condom over the opening.
Butt plugs: They come in many sizes, starting off cute and small. Put them in and leave them in while you continue doing other stuff.
Vibrators or prostate massagers: Make sure vibrators have a flared base (so it won’t get lost up there - the rectum doesn’t have an ‘end’ like the vagina) or let it buzz at the entrance to the anus. Specially designed anal toys like my Supersex Vibrating Butt Plug are great for anal play enthusiasts.
Dildos: Glass dildos work well anally because they slide in easily and you can choose which size you fancy.
Penis: Wait until the anus is used to having things inside it before taking it through to anal intercourse.
For more advice from the Anal Sex Prep Guide check out Part 1: Anatomy, Prep and Protection, Part 2: Fingering and Rimming or Anal Sex Prep Guide: Part 3: Positions and Techniques.