Fix-its for Different Sex Drives Part 1: They Want Sex More than You Do
I’ve said this once and I’ll keep on saying it: when you’re choosing a partner, if you can possibly swing it, try really hard to choose one with the same sexual appetite as you. Because mismatched libidos - one partner wanting sex more than the other - is one of the main sex problems affecting couples today.
Lots of factors dictate whether we’re a high or low libido person: pressure and stress, medications, past history, possible previous sexual traumas, our partner’s lovemaking skills, general health - all play a part. Genes too: if you don’t have terribly many sexual thoughts, feelings or fantasies, chances are your mum and/or dad don’t either.
If your sex drives are unequal, you’re in for a bumpy ride with possible friction and resentment around every corner.
It’s a problem that can ultimately ruin the best relationships - happily though, there’s lots you can do to even up the sexual scales.
In part one, I’m going to talk about what to do if your partner has the higher sex drive. Part two, out in the New Year, advises on fix-its if you’re the one climbing the walls.
10 Things to Do if They Want Sex More than You Do
Get a good night's sleep. Recent research shows that the more sleep you have, the more sex you'll want.
Take responsibility for your libido. Don't expect your partner to turn you on, do it yourself! Make it your mission to pinpoint what gets you in the mood for sex, then do more of it.
Let your imagination loose. Don't be ashamed of your fantasies and refuse to feel guilty if having sex with someone other than your partner is one of them. Being unfaithful in reality isn't on but it's okay to do it in your head. Really.
Use lube to help get yourself aroused. If you're not aroused, you're probably dry. Which means anything your partner does feels half as pleasurable as it should - and you feel self-conscious about it.
Next time, put a big blob of Supersex Love Lube on your finger and place it high inside the vagina before having sex and let the heat of your body and your partner's fingers draw it downward.
The added moisture not only makes everything feel better and you sexier, you stop worrying if your partner thinks you're not turned on and instead start focusing on what they are doing to turn you on.
Meet halfway. If you don't want intercourse, what about oral sex? If you don't want oral sex or any sex yourself, do you mind pleasuring them? At the very least, you can and should be able to offer the physical intimacy of a cuddle.
Give sex a high priority in your life. If you're avoiding it or not interested, chances are it's the last thing you do, last thing at night. Well, funnily enough, even high sex drive people sometimes wonder if it's worth the effort when they're exhausted after a long day at work! Get into a routine where you and your partner have chat-time then sex before you start dinner and switch the TV on. Or if you really are too stressed during the week, have breakfast in bed on the weekends and make that sex time.
Initiate sex occasionally, even if you're acting. If you've got a high sex drive and are always the one asking your partner for sex, you tend to think of yourself as the 'sexy' person and the one who wants it less as the 'less sexy' person.
Initiating sex is a turn on. It puts you in the sexual power position - and that alone can often kick-start a lagging libido. Even if the resulting sex isn't that wonderful, it's achieved one of two purposes: your partner is thrilled to bits that you're at least trying or, if they refused, it's given you a taste of what it's like to be in their shoes.
Get your body clocks in sync. Is it really a case of mismatched libidos or a morning person matched with a night owl? If it is, take turns on the time of day you make love. And try sex mid-morning, midday and mid-afternoon, not just morning or night.
Sex does NOT equal intercourse. Try giving each other oral sex orgasms, or hand stimulation. Make sure each sex session doesn't always end with intercourse. Plenty of people (women especially) don't orgasm through intercourse alone, so tend to find penetrative sex quite boring. If sex is boring, it's no wonder you're not desperate to dive into bed! Generally, the easier it is for you to orgasm, the higher your sex drive. And vice versa. Experiment with oral and manual techniques until you've explored all orgasm opportunities.
Make a list of your current sex favourites. Position, toy, lubricant, fantasies - write them all down and stick on the bedroom mirror. Update constantly. This keeps you focused on sex and more inclined to come up with new things to add to the list, keeping your commitment to passion higher.
Look out for Part 2 of Fix-Its for Different Sex Drives in January. For advice on libido-enhancing foods, check out Sex Advice: Eat Your Way to Better Sex in the archives. For Tracey's advice to a real-world couple with a mismatched sex drive, see "I want sex way more often than he does! How can we make this work?".