What's Your New Year's Sex Resolution?
Yes, yes, we all know you’re going to give up smoking, drink less, eat less and save more. Now, how about making some New Year's sex resolutions you’ll actually want to keep?
For Her to Promise Him
To accept sex can’t be perfect. I won’t fall for myths and will set real expectations. You’re right - my best friend probably is lying about all the stuff she gets up to!
To stop worrying about my weight. I will believe you when you say I look gloriously sexy, even when I’m having a fat day.
To let you know when I’m feeling like sex and when I’m not. Thing is, I’d cut my arm off for sex at certain times of the month and stick pins in my eyeballs than have it at others. I promise to let you know where I’m at rather than force you to mind-read.
To initiate sex more often. To let you know I like it just as much as you do and I’m not just doing it to please you.
To not get all huffy if I catch you watching porn. Promise me you’ll do the same when you ‘accidentally’ look at the history on my computer and find out I’ve been checking out lipstick lesbians.
To stop snooping. To not ‘accidentally’ keep checking the history on your computer to see what you’ve been up to.
To keep an open mind. I won't get offended or worry I’m boring you just because you want to try something new.
To make time for sex. The average couple spends 20 hours a week watching telly and the I-eat-time-for-sex telly monster is in residence in our place.
To indulge your ‘kinky’ side now and then. I promise to let you shave off my pubes, wear slutty underwear, leave my heels on during sex, watch us having sex in a mirror, masturbate for you, go out without panties on, let you feel me up in the back of a cab etc etc.
To take a risk. To have sex in unusual, risky or a semi-public places now and then - even if doing it in our comfy bed is super-appealing when it’s freezing!
To not stress if you lose your erection. I know it’s not a wind-up toy and it’s normal for you to go hard, soft, hard, semi-soft, sort of hard, and really hard in the one session. I promise to park the paranoia.
To not expect you to be a sexual ‘mini-me’. Let’s take turns with the type of sex we want to have rather than judge each other for wanting it a certain way.
For Him to Promise Her
Not to be jealous of your vibrator. Despite the fact it seems to give you effortless, endless orgasms much easier than I do.
To remember that foreplay is a necessity. An essential, not a luxury, and to stop rushing you to the ‘good bit’.
To not make intercourse the main event of every sex session. I know you have your orgasms during oral sex or me touching you with my fingers. My penis is still offended that he’s not enough but he’ll get over it soon, I promise.
To not go straight for the clitoris during foreplay. (Although while we’re on the topic, don’t dive straight for my penis either. I enjoy a bit of teasing the same way you do).
A gentle touch. To not be too rough when I touch you. Or lick you.
To not rush penetration. A few fumbles to check if you’re wet does not make you ready for me to plunge on in. However desperate I am to dive on in, I’ll wait for you to tell me when it’s time.
To stop banging on about us having a threesome. I’d probably freak if you said yes anyway. Two women sounds like tons of fun but also double the pressure!
To remember to settle in when I’m giving you oral sex. ... Rather than popping up every few seconds to ask if you’re close yet.
To pay attention. To really listen when you give me feedback and not do the whole ‘I don’t need directions’ guy thing.
'O' kay To not expect you to have an orgasm every single time we have sex and to believe you when you tell me it’s because the female response system isn’t as reliable or automatic as mine.
To not expect to come together. I have been listening and I do know the chance of our 10-20 seconds of orgasm happening at the same time is highly unlikely. I will stop believing movie sex is real sex (even if the sex Bond has, will remain, and always remain, an exception).
For Each of You to Promise
To be brave and adventurous. And not crinkle my nose up at anything daring you might suggest that I don’t fancy.
To be generous with sex and make sure I’m good at it. Enthusiasm counts but good technique is crucial long-term.
To turn myself on. Rather than expecting you to do it.
To accept that ‘desire’ doesn’t mean ‘the urge to have sex’. Desire can be any motivation that leads to the decision to have sex and there are many reasons other than arousal to do it.
To have sex more often. Even if I'm not particularly in the mood. Waiting for both of us to be gagging for it at exactly the same moment, at a time when we can both have sex, is going to happen about once a year.
To look the best I can. And to tell you when you’re looking mighty hot as well.
To think of our sex life as a bank account. We need to make regular deposits to keep the balance healthy.
To invest in some fun sex toys. To keep things interesting. We each get to choose one a month.
To stop thinking libido is ‘your’ problem. If you want sex less or more than me it’s no one’s fault - we both have different drives.
To talk about and solve sex problems as they happen. Rather than let niggly little things turn into big bedroom monsters.
To touch you both sexually and affectionately. And make sure you know the difference.
For more advice on shaking up your sex life with some new skills, see What's Your Signature Sex Move - and Why Everyone Should Have One from the archives.