How to Orgasm For Her: What to Do if You Can't Climax
You want what the rest of the world is having but can’t seem to push yourself over the edge?
There are two facts you need to accept straight up if you’re going to get anywhere at all.
First up, it’s unlikely your partner is going to give you an orgasm.
Secondly, you need to work at it.
Your first orgasm will almost certainly be achieved solo - I have actually never met a woman who didn't have her first orgasm solo through masturbation. This is pivotal - not just for having your first orgasm but for keeping them (and you) coming.
You have to learn how to orgasm - it's not an automatic process for women. Practice makes perfect: the more you masturbate, the easier orgasm becomes.
With those two rules firmly ensconced in your head, let's move on to a practical action plan:
Are you sure you know what an orgasm is?
Not as stupid as it sounds: thanks to the media and porn where orgasms are OHMIGOD frantic and sheet-clutching, some women picture it to be something far more dramatic than it actually is.
If you have felt a build up of pressure with contractions at the peak, you might be having orgasms, just 'small' ones. The good news is, you can increase the intensity of your orgasms by doing kegel exercises. This involves simply squeezing and releasing the pelvic floor muscles, or alternatively you can use a kegel toner (left) to give your muscles something to grip. This increases the muscle control that helps build up to higher levels of arousal before letting go.
Take a look at yourself.
His genitals are out there for him to see and admire, yours are hidden. Use a hand mirror and have a good look at your genitals. Find your clitoris. Most sexual sensation starts there, so the more familiar you are with where it is, the more orgasmic you'll become.
Are you in the right head space?
You must want to be aroused for it to happen. If you're thinking negative thoughts - I shouldn't be doing this, my body isn't good enough, he doesn't really like me - of course it's not going to happen. The brain is a sex organ: you need to have your head straight before your body can respond.
What do you secretly think about sex?
Look at your childhood influences. Most women learn how to orgasm through masturbation. If your parents told you sex was bad, chances are you didn't feel comfortable touching yourself as a teen.
If you still find it hard to masturbate now, try normalising it by calling it (and sex) by another name. Using a word your brain doesn't instantly associate with 'bad' makes it less threatening. Try calling sex 'having fun' and masturbating 'giving myself a present'.
Invest in a good, strong vibrator.
To complete the programme, you'll also need the right tools. The easiest, most effective way to stimulate the clitoris and give yourself an orgasm is to use a clitoral vibrator (the non-penetrative type that works specifically on the clitoris).
Good starter vibrators include the Supersex Bullet Vibe or the Supersex Pleasure Vibe. The Supersex Rechargeable Rabbit can also be used on the clitoris and is a familiar shape (being the most famous-style vibrator in the world).
The second thing you must have is some good quality lubricant. Supersex Love Lube or another water-based lube will do the job nicely.
Have a vibrator orgasm so you know what you're aiming for.
Some therapists will advise you not to do this and to try with your fingers first, leaving the vibe as a last resort. Reason being, fingers are partner-friendly.
I agree it's crucial you are able to orgasm using your fingers but a vibrator is indisputably the easiest and most efficient way to let you experience the feeling of orgasm and move past any psychological blocks.
It's pretty impossible not to orgasm using a vibrator.
Simply hold it against the closed labia (lips of the vagina) at the top end so you're vibrating the clitoris underneath.
Try rolling it, holding it at different angles and varying the speed and pressure, until you feel a build up of pressure. It really is as simple as holding it where it feels good - and keeping it there.
Don't be scared of the feeling of pressure.
This bit is crucial and, I believe, the reason why lots of women don't orgasm. The feeling of orgasm is frightening the first time you experience it. I was scared too - I seriously thought I was going to explode and that I'd weed myself. But all that's happening is lots of blood is pumping to your genital and clitoral area.
An orgasm is simply the moment when your body releases the blood back into the body, which feels euphoric. Once you understand what's happening, you'll (hopefully) feel less freaked out by the sensation.
It didn't work?
The vibe might not be strong enough, it might be too strong (try putting a T-shirt between you and it) or there may be other psychological factors at play.
Sometimes, an early traumatic experience you don't remember can still influence you. Our brain will 'hide' information from us if it thinks it's too painful to recall.
It sounds clever, and it is to a point, but your brain isn't the only thing that remembers: your body does too.
If you feel there's something wrong but you're not sure what or feel generally uncomfortable about sex, arrange to see a therapist. A visit to a good sex therapist will usually cure any problems quickly and efficiently. Only a tiny percentage of women never orgasm without professional help - you're unlikely to be one of them. Find a therapist in the UK at www.itsgoodtotalk.org.uk/therapists or www.relate.org.uk.
Ditch the vibe and use your fingers.
Once you've had an orgasm via the vibrator and know what you're aiming for, it's banished to the bedside drawer.
Now let's try to orgasm using your fingers.
Put some lubricant on your inner lips or your fingers and find your clitoris - the pea-sized bit, hidden under a protective hood, at the top of your vagina that you found while looking in a hand mirror. Try gently stroking near or around it with your middle finger or the pads of a couple of fingers. Try moving around it in circles then gently rubbing directly across it, back and forth, once you feel more aroused.
Experiment with different strokes - hard, soft, fast, slow, until you find what suits you best. Try to at least get to the point where you're really excited before either giving up or giving in (and letting those fingers slide over to the bedside drawer where your vibrator lives). It takes longer with your fingers until you've got the technique mastered, so be patient.
Don't give up.
Aim for about six or more 15-minute sessions over the next two weeks. If it's not working try alternative ways of lying or sitting - lie on your tummy or sit in a chair rather than lying or sitting on the bed with your legs apart, or rub your clitoris against something (like the arm of a sofa).
Focus on enjoying any sexual feelings you are experiencing rather than fiercely concentrating and thinking 'I must have an orgasm'. The harder you try, the further away it will seem.
Add other turn-ons.
Fantasise in your head about something you've done sexually that turned you on or would like to do. Read a book on sexual fantasies or explore erotica or porn online. Squeeze your pelvic floor muscles and remember to breathe deeply.
Finally, remember this: the first solo orgasm may take ages to work up to, but it gets easier and faster the more often you have one. Promise!
For more advice on learning to climax with your partner, check out I Can't Orgasm! I've Tried Everything from the archives.