What the Hell Do I Do Now? Sex Toy SOS Part 1
Some sex problems we'll cheerfully blab to friends after a few wines because we secretly think they make us look good. For women, the old 'He's too big for me', is a classic example.
Confessing this problem not only lets their girlfriends know their new man is hung like a horse, it also craftily implies they're as tight as a virgin.
We're not quite as quick to confess things that don't paint such a complimentary picture - like him not getting hard enough or her not fancying sex at all - and we're particularly reluctant to talk about things that might suggest we're not as sexually savvy as we like to make out.
In this series, you'll find solutions to things that are a little delicate to handle, along with answers to questions you might be embarrassed to ask because the answers just seem way too obvious.
What to do when…
A toy gets lost
And I’m not talking about wondering which drawer you left it in. If you’ve been a little over-enthusiastic, condoms, dildos, vibrators or butt plugs can disappear out of reach inside rectums or vaginas.
Out of the two, it’s less of a problem if something’s lodged high in the vagina because there’s an ‘end’ to it. Chances are the pesky little condom or love egg is hiding above or behind the cervix.
Simply fish around with your fingers until you find something that feels like the top of your nose and hook your fingers around to feel in the nook behind it.
Losing something up your bottom is more of a worry because the object can move upward into the large intestine. This is why anal toys have flared bases, to stop you inserting it so far the toy suddenly decides to pack a lunch and set off exploring on its own. It’s hard not to panic if this does happen, but the best thing to do is simply to wait for your next bowel movement and see if it makes a reappearance.
If it doesn’t, or you experience any sort of fever, abdominal pain or start to bleed, I’m afraid it’s off to the emergency ward immediately. And yes, it will be embarrassing but believe me, they’ve seen far worse than this.
I don’t know how to use my vibrator
It might sound obvious but read the instructions (if it didn’t come with any, go onto lovehoney.co.uk, search for the equivalent model and watch the video. If it’s a Supersex Bullet Vibe, for instance, look up ‘bullet vibrators’. If it’s a Supersex Rabbit Vibe, look up ‘rabbit vibrators’.)
Now try the different settings, get a feel of where the switches are, experiment with the different levels of vibration, then grab your usual masturbation turn on - a book, your laptop for some online porn or start running a well-worn ‘taped’ fantasy in your head.
Get into position - and take your pick. Depending on the vibrator, you can squat over it, lie back and hold it between your legs, clamp it there with your thighs, or lie on your tummy and do the same. Hold it over your clitoris and alter the speed, pressure and angle until it starts to feel good.
If it feels too intense, put a T-shirt between it and you. Try angling it so it’s jutting into the side of the clitoris, with the outer labia as a buffer. Adjust the intensity of vibration by putting your hand over it to absorb the vibration, remove it when you want it stronger again. You could also try holding your middle fingers over your clitoris and putting the vibrator on top.
Once you’ve got the hang of it - which will take about five minutes - you’ll be more than impressed with your new toy. It’s for this reason l recommend you don’t rely exclusively on it for your orgasms. Vibrators don’t make mistakes, humans do. Tongues get tired, fingers fumble. And clitorises get lazy and refuse to play the orgasm game if you only ever play it one way. Try to throw in at least two out of five orgasms via tongue/fingers or (if you’re lucky) through penetration.
I don’t know how to use a dildo
Dildos are useful if you're lesbian and fancy penetration, if you want penetration in more than one place but only have one penis to play with or if you're a straight man who quite fancies being penetrated anally.
They’re way more versatile than the real thing because there’s no body attached to that ‘penis’ - plus you can choose any size or length you want. If you’re experimenting solo, put some lubricant on you or the dildo, then go for it. (Carefully) insert anywhere a penis goes - inside the vagina or anally (if it has a flared base). If they’re glass you can heat or cool them for temperature play. This simply means touching a hot or cold object to wherever it feels good on the body.
If the dildo comes with a suction cap, attach it at the appropriate level, then back onto it, doggy style or crouch over and lower yourself onto it. Alternatively, lie on your back and use your hand to thrust it in and out, varying between long and deep, short and shallow strokes. Try playing with your clitoris at the same time or using a vibrator on it.
If you’re using a dildo with your partner, try letting them insert a lubed-up dildo as they’re giving you oral. (Vaginally, or anally if it’s got a flared base.)
Some dildo fans like it simply to be in there for pressure, others like it thrust in and out. If you fancy a threesome but don’t want the emotional angst, this can feel like having two lovers at once. Women can get the same effect by having their partner lying beside them, kissing and playing with their breasts as they thrust in and out with the dildo. (All these techniques also work with penetrative vibrators, by the way.)
Hungry for more frank advice on 'taboo' topics? Check out how Tracey tackles these thorny topics: "Lately I've been 'getting off' to the thought of my boyfriend with another girl." and "I just can't seem to find my girl's G-spot."