The Ups and Downs of Owning a Penis
It’s an object of worship, yet causes more anxiety than any other body part. I get the pride and I get the paranoia about penises, though as I’m very fond of saying, I’m very glad I don’t own one.
Penises have a mind of their own - and diabolically, every decision it makes is visible.
While women can fake almost everything (lube for arousal, a few moans for orgasm), what’s happening with men is far more obvious.
Which is why you need to let go of that ridiculous assumption that a. you can control your penis (you can’t) and b. that it should behave like it does in the (porn) movies. Give the little (sorry - big) fella a chance.
He’s not a robot, he’s human - and just like you, he gets tired, stressed, overexcited and/or distinctly underwhelmed by things.
So forgive him for not performing at his best all of the time and get to know yours a whole lot better…
Is there more than one kind of erection?
Yes - there appear to be three. The first erection comes courtesy of the brain: it’s called a psychogenic erection and it’s produced when the brain recognises erotic stimuli - both real or imagined. If you’re bored with sex, this is the erection that will be most affected.
The second sort is a reflex erection, one that results when there’s direct genital stimulation. Stress and depression can interfere with this guy.
The third type of erection is a nocturnal erection, the least-effort variety that you get spontaneously during REM (rapid eye movement) sleep. This erection is significant. If you’re not getting the other two but you are waking up ‘pee proud’, there’s a pretty good bet the cause is psychological rather than physical.
Most men get around seven erections a day - five of them are nocturnal.
What happens if I lose my erection halfway through sex?
The same myth that says you will always get an erection, on cue and ejaculate the second you want to, also says men get an erection at the start of a sex session and maintain it at that level of hardness all the way through.
Never mind if you spend 20, intense, unselfish minutes giving her oral, never mind her buggering off to the loo for a quick pee, never mind your mobile going off, you’re supposed to stay rock hard throughout.
What do you think? Listen, it’s normal to get harder, softer, really hard, even harder, sort of medium soft, almost lose it, then get really hard before you orgasm.
The amount of blood in the penis affects how hard you are and it’s driven by arousal. You don’t stay at exactly the same level of excitement during a sex session, so it’s logical your penis won’t either.
Most of the time, you won’t even notice this happening but if you do notice your erection going down, don’t panic. Your natural inclination will be to tense up, but don’t - it cuts off the blood flow which is what causes your erection.
Instead, relax into it. Focus. Relax your penis and the muscles around it. Take a break and pleasure her to take the pressure off and calm down. Then start again, focusing on the sensations you’re feeling rather than how hard you are.
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What can I do with a semi-erect penis?
You don’t have to be hard to have intercourse, even if the ‘putting it in’ part is now referred to as (a rather undignified) ‘stuffing’. Use lube and get in a side-by-side position, like ‘scissors’ (one leg on top, other leg between). Get her to push your penis inside her by pushing the base first - the head naturally follows.
Once you’re inside, resist the urge to pump furiously, simply stay inside, get her to clench and release her vaginal muscles and you do the same with your PC muscles. Simply focus on how nice it feels, kiss, relax. Then start to thrust gently and experimentally.
Want a little extra help? To keep your penis in prime, working condition try using a penis pump. The Edge Ultimate Performance Stamina Penis Pump is a user-friendly pump that, with regular use, encourages oxygenisation of the penis, leading to stronger, bigger erections.
Should I pop a Viagra if I’m worried?
If you have real impotency problems and have been prescribed Viagra by a doctor, sure. Otherwise, I wouldn’t recommend it. I know some of you will pop one just to see what happens. And you might end up with a whopping great, wonderously hard erection and have a fabulous time. Or you might just end up with a whopping headache. And if you have heart problems you didn’t know about, you might end up in casualty. So maybe it’s not worth the risk? (If you must buy Viagra online without having a medical first, at least buy it through one of regulated online pharmacies.)
Let’s have a little Viagra lesson while we’re on the topic. Viagra is the same drug that was used to treat heart disease. It works by inhibiting production of an enzyme, allowing the smooth muscle cells in the penis to relax, making it easier for it to engorge with blood and maintain an erection.
You take one an hour before you want some action and it lasts about four hours. The greatest myth is that taking Viagra will suddenly result in an instant erection. It won’t. Take one and do the crossword and absolutely nothing will happen. It only works with stimulation.
Viagra also has competitors - Levitra and Cialis. Levitra has fewer side effects (Viagra can cause nausea, indigestion and headaches) and works more quickly. Cialis lasts up to 36 hours, which takes the pressure off having to ‘do it’ within a certain period of time.
All very useful to know for when you’re post 50, which is when you’re most likely to use them.
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Can you break a penis?
No, because there aren’t any bones in it - but you can do serious damage. Accidents can and do happen - usually when an erect penis is thrust against a very hard object (like a bed end). Often you’ll hear a crack and your erection will disappear faster than you can say ‘Help me God!’.
It might also bend to one side. If this does happen (and I hasten to add, it’s rare) get immediate medical attention.