• Can she solve his sex dilemmas? Sex SOS Part 3

    Can she solve his sex dilemmas?

    This series focuses on solutions to things that are a little sensitive or embarrassing to ask - often because the answer seems like it should be obvious!

    Part 1 talked about what to do if a toy gets lost and how to use a vibrator or a dildo. Part 2 had fix-its for him, including what to do if she doesn’t like intercourse or you going down on her. Here, you’ll find female-focused solutions like what to do if he falls out all of the time.

    This advice is aimed at heterosexual couples but could be adapted for gay couples.

    You’re mismatched physically

    He’s six foot six and you’re scraping five, one of you is way heavier than the other… love might conquer all but sex can be a literal pain if your body parts are completely disparate. The solution: use furniture to even things up. Try the stairs, pillows or invest in furniture designed expressly for this purpose. Anyone who’s appreciated a well-placed pillow under the hips - for either comfort reasons or to alter sensation - will get the concept of sex furniture.

    We’ve all heard of sex swings but that’s just the tip of the iceberg. ‘Wedges’ are portable, firm, wedge-shaped pillows you lie on or slide under your hips or bottom to prop up parts during intercourse or oral sex. ‘Ramps’ put you at dramatic angles to reach parts you didn’t even know existed. Sex furniture is ideal for couples who are mismatched physically but it’s a hell of a lot of fun even if you aren’t. Check out inflatable cushions, vibrating chairs and sex sofas that range from inflatable and tacky to actually quite stylish chaise versions. ‘Sex swings’ hang from the ceiling and are quite a task to install, but they could also be worth a look if different weights are a problem.

    Check out the Liberator range. Even if you can’t afford it, you’ll get an idea of the sorts of shapes that are most useful to try to create using existing furniture and pillows.

    He falls out all the time

    It could be because you’ve used too much lube or you’re very wet - both easily fixed by using a small towel to wipe away the excess. The position, size of his penis and thrusting style are also factors. If his penis is quite short and he thrusts long - pulling back on each stroke rather than staying deep - it’s bound to happen. The bigger he is and the closer he holds you, the less likely he is to fall out. Hold him close by grabbing onto his buttock cheeks or wrapping your legs tightly around him. Or reach around with your hand and hold onto the base of his penis to keep him inside. Does his erection point a particular way? Most point up but some stick straight out or point downward. Choose your position accordingly, bearing in mind your vagina curves up toward your tummy.

    He can’t orgasm through intercourse

    First, let’s give up the assumption that all guys can climax effortlessly, all the time, no matter what you dish up. Just as some women can only orgasm a particular way (most commonly through oral sex or with a vibrator) some guys are the same. His most reliable and frequent orgasms are nearly always DIY, by hand - his hand.

    If he’s not orgasming easily through intercourse, it’s often because he needs a specific stroke that he uses and only a hand can provide. Your vagina (obviously) can’t replicate firm, rhythmic tugging (kegel exercises work to a point but they’re not that good). It could also be because he masturbates using a really hard grip - even the tightest vagina is no match for a firm fist.

    Get him to masturbate himself in front of you so you can see what technique he uses to make himself climax and how hard he holds himself. Then let him teach you how to replicate it. Hold him firmly around the base the next time he penetrates, and use your hand to slide up and down his penis as he slides up and down inside you, bearing in mind what stroke you know he likes. Tell him the firmer he grips himself during masturbation, the less likely he’ll be to orgasm during intercourse with you. He can retrain his penis by using a lighter, gentler grip during masturbation.

    You can’t stop fantasising about someone you shouldn’t

    We’ve all been guilty of playing out wicked little fantasies starring highly inappropriate people (your best friend’s partner, your boss, your father-in-law) in our heads. Most of us, quite rightly, dismiss these mental erotic adventures as harmless or use them to masturbate to. Sometimes though, they can teeter on the edge of obsession, making you simultaneously embarrassed, uncomfortable and guilty whenever you’re around the person.

    The way to stop it is to let yourself have the fantasy but put a negative ending on it. You not only get caught in the act, you lose your partner, your home, your children, your friend, your reputation over it. The person you cheated with wants nothing to do with you, you’re left alone and what for? Five minutes of satisfying a sexual itch. Do this each time the fantasy hits and your brain won’t want to go there anymore.

    He’s lost his erection

    Women are timid around penises that aren’t very hard. We’ll grab onto it with gusto when it’s solid and stiff but switch to a nervous, tentative touch the second there’s any sign of softness. In fact, the opposite should happen. If he’s only semi-erect, he’ll usually appreciate a firm grip and firm massaging. Combine this with the right attitude - that it happens all the time and so isn’t a big deal - and all should be solved. A soft penis is a lot easier to fellate because you can get the whole thing in there. It doesn’t need to be fully erect to penetrate either - use your fingers to stuff it inside you and keep your hand down there to make sure it stays inside. Massage his testicles as he thrusts slow and steady to start with and if you can reach, firmly massage the perineum with the pads of your fingers. Above all, keep the pressure off and let him know you’re completely unperturbed. If the relationship is new and he’s had erection problems in the past, it could be he just needs time to feel comfortable with you.

    He hates wearing condoms

    If he loses an erection whenever he pulls on a condom, it could be because it’s either too tight or too big - the first deadens sensation, the second friction. Experiment both with size and different types to find a better fit but remember while there are condoms so thin you can’t even feel them, the whole point of wearing one is for protection. Stick to reputable brands that have passed government safety standard tests and use lube. One drop inside the condom to make it feel better and provide maximum sensation for him, a little more on the outside to reduce the risk of it tearing and to make it more comfortable for her.

    Make sure you use them correctly. Check the expiration date and don’t rip the packet open with your teeth. Leave space at the tip for the semen to collect and withdraw quite quickly, before his erection completely subsides, with one of you holding onto the base of condom to stop it slipping off. You won’t be the first couple to look down in horror when you realise he’s pulled his penis out but left the condom in there.

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