What men need to know about sex to give her what she wants (Part 1)
Want to give your woman a great time in bed? Get to know how her body works and how to encourage her – and you'll both be saying 'yes, yes, YES!'
It’s fair to say that women’s bodies are rather less straightforward than men’s. The workings of our genitals and sexual systems – unlike a man’s highly visible set of penis and testicles – aren’t as obvious, and historically there’s been loads of misinformation and myths which unfortunately still hang around today.
Happily, the up-to-date knowledge that comes from scientific techniques such as scanning is now entering the mainstream and everyone – both men and women – can have a better understanding of the wonderful ways in which the female body experiences arousal and fulfilment.
It’s not just the physical aspect that’s complex, though. Men often feel that women’s libidos are hard to get to grips with too.
The trouble is that for many women, sexual confidence and desire is negatively affected by society piling on the unholy trinity of self-consciousness, self-doubt and self-blame as well as body dysmorphia (a distorted view of how your body looks which leads to a loss of body confidence).
On top of that, hormonal fluctuations can play their part in raising and lowering female desire throughout the monthly cycle. So all in all, what's happening in a woman’s head while you're in bed together might seem confusing, but is just as important as what's happening in her ladyparts. So doing your bit to help her feel happy, confident and horny will result in a much better time for both of you.
To give her what she wants and needs, there’s rather a lot for you to know (sorry!), so let’s start with her body.
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT... HER BODY
The clitoris is the only human body organ that's designed specifically and purely for pleasure. It's got more nerve endings per square inch than any other part of the human anatomy, and two to four times more than the head of a penis. Lucky women!
The clitoris isn't just that little pea-sized bit inside her labia that you can see, though. That's just the tip of the iceberg (though a highly responsive tip) and in fact far more of the clitoral organ is actually inside her body, wrapped around her vagina.
The inner clitoral organ is pretty much the same shape as a bird with spread-out wings. Those wings are about two to three and a half inches long and run inside her, either side of her vagina, pointing in the direction of her bottom. They're made of erectile tissue, which means they pump full of blood, just like your penis does, when she's aroused. What's more, there are also clitoral bulbs of erectile tissue underneath the inner lips of her labia.
This is all extremely good news.
It means that rather than one tiny area, there's lots of her you can stimulate – either directly or indirectly - to get her excited. Read on!
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT... HER ORGASM
There's a lot of talk about how difficult it is for women to orgasm, but the fact is, a lot of us (me included) can orgasm in under five minutes. Even Kinsey, all those years ago, knew it only took the average woman four minutes to masturbate to orgasm.
When a woman masturbates, she's relaxed and not self-conscious, and she knows how to stimulate herself in the optimum way. With a lover who's learnt skill and sensitivity, female orgasm is also just as easy to achieve as male orgasm.
When it comes to you giving her an orgasm, you need to accept what's going to work and what's not. You may well have grown up believing that the right technique is to thrust your penis in and out of her vagina. It's not. That clitoral organ that we talked about earlier needs to be involved, whether its through direct stimulation of the outer head of the clitoris, through indirect stimulation of the hidden part, or through cunning manipulation of her front vaginal wall (home of the G-spot).
So what is the easiest way for that to happen and a woman to have an orgasm?
A survey of more than 500 women showed that after masturbation, the next most reliable method is oral sex. And after that, it's clitoral stimulation with fingers or a vibe during penetrative sex.
So it's not a matter of a few random rubs and tugs, but practised, focused methods that require a knowledge of how the female body works along with what does it for her specifically.
Using your tongue, fingers and pelvis – or a vibrator – in very specific girl-friendly manoeuvres is the way to go. Good technique can be learned and practised: search in my blog for previous posts that will teach you, using the search terms 'oral sex', 'clitoris', 'G-spot' and 'hand job'.
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT... HELPING HER STOP FEELING SHE SHOULD FAKE IT
Ever wondered why women sometimes fake orgasm? (And yes, one of your girlfriends will have done it, and no, you probably couldn't tell.) It's because she's worried that if she doesn't orgasm it'll be an issue for you. And that worry turns into the very stumbling block that actually stops her orgasming. So she fakes it to try to make things OK. Crazy, huh?
So here's the best way to help her relax and guarantee no more fake orgasms: make it abundantly clear it won't be an issue if she doesn't orgasm.
But not in a 'I know it's really difficult for women...so let's not even try', type of way. Do it in a 'I'm going to give you loads of pleasure, and whether you do or don't orgasm, it's all good' way.
Give us lots of (good) oral sex that lasts a while. Touch us expertly with (lubed-up) fingers. Show just how comfortable you are with yourself by being the one to suggest using a vibrator during intercourse.
Then shut up for a bit. There's nothing worse than being on the brink, only to have your man pop back up looking expectant and asking, 'Do you think it's going to happen soon?'
Part 2 of What Men Need to Know About Sex will be published on 26 April.